I am a 24 years old girl from Haryana, originally from a village. I have been a healthy girl since childhood and have always faced criticism and body shaming, which made me underconfident and feel worthless.
After my 12th grade, I moved out of my village to Sonipat, a normal city, and got admission to a girls’ college. My family decided that I had to stay in a hostel, which was a tough decision for me. Everyone stared at me because of my physical appearance, but there, I found a girl who made me feel good and comfortable even more than at home. We became friends and roommates.
She had a dominating personality, and I was scared of her. One day, while I was sleeping, I woke up suddenly and found myself lip-locked with her. We got involved, and things continued. She always initiated intimacy but never wanted to talk about it, while I had fallen deeply in love with her. Whenever I tried to discuss it, she acted as if nothing had happened between us and claimed she had no idea about what was going on. I cried a lot over these things but couldn’t leave her.
One day, I tried to talk about it again, and that day, she made me feel as if I was the only one who wanted it, as if everything had happened without her consent. I felt like I had forced someone into something for 5-6 months. I was completely shattered. But then she apologized, convinced me, and things went on.
Then, a school crush entered her life through social media. She told me she wanted to talk to him and even asked if she could. I was speechless and just said, “Do what you feel is right.” She would talk to him right in front of me, and I couldn’t do anything. I cried every day alone. Later, she stopped talking to him.
After college, we moved to different places, but she used to talk to me daily. However, I found out from someone that she was still in contact with that guy. It was an on-and-off situation-she would stop talking to him for some time and then start again. It really broke me.
Sometimes, she made me feel so high, and other times, so low. Honestly, I couldn’t understand whether she loved me or not. These ups and downs continued for 5-6 years, and with time, I became more possessive of her. I lost all my senses, my self-respect-everything. I became completely dependent on her for my mood. I was going through so much emotional trauma but couldn’t talk about it to anyone because of societal barriers.
Last year, I finally gathered the courage and told her, “I don’t want this uncertainty anymore. You need to decide what you want. Do you want me or not?” She said, “I always want you in my life. I never want to lose you, but as a friend.”
Her words really hurt me. I stopped talking to her, but she called me again, and I couldn’t resist-l talked to her. I was just mad, unable to get over her. I kept asking her if she had ever loved me, and she always said, “Yes, but as a friend.”
Last month, she told me that I was affecting her mental health and that she couldn’t do this anymore, so she left me. Her words hurt me deeply, but I couldn’t even cry because I live with my family.
After 5 to 6 days, I finally came to my senses and reached a conclusion. I can force myself, but I can’t force her. If she doesn’t want this, I will not go back to her. And now, every day I feel a little better.