My relationship isn’t going well, and I need advice. Sorry if this is a bit long.
Background: She asked me out first. We were close friends, but I didn’t have romantic feelings for her initially, especially since she had just ended a 3-year relationship with another friend of ours. I hesitated, but she persisted, and eventually, I developed feelings for her too. We started dating, and our families quickly supported our relationship, moving us toward marriage.
However, once we became a couple, I noticed troubling behaviors. Our relationship lasted only three months, during which she constantly compared me to other guys, even though I tried to meet almost all her needs. If I couldn’t do something due to illness or other reasons, she would point out that other guys would have done it. She lives with a female friend and has no boundaries with male friends, who often stay over at her place.
When we’re out with our group, her behavior often seems more focused on our friends than on me. At times, she’d tell me I was the best thing in her life, but then she’d compare me unfavorably to her past relationships (this is my first relationship, and I’ve been doing everything I can to make her feel loved). Her words suggest she loves me, but her actions make me feel like just another option. She’d text me late at night for impromptu trips, and if I even suggested rescheduling, it would lead to a major argument.
Eventually, the affection she initially showed me disappeared. When I brought this up, she claimed it was now my turn to show affection. We live an hour apart, and I was always the one making the effort to visit her. She wouldn’t even meet me at a nearby restaurant that I liked. Whenever I tried to address these issues, it led to fights, and eventually, I couldn’t take it anymore and broke up with her.
For five months, she kept reaching out-calling, texting, even emailing me when she was blocked-pleading for me to return. She promised to change, and eventually, I gave in. It’s now been three months since we got back together. Some things have improved-she no longer compares me to other guys, and the frequency of our fights has decreased. But her male friends still stay over at her place, and she hasn’t changed this despite my concerns.
I could confront my friends, but I’m not confident that she’d support me, and since it’s her place, I feel like I don’t have a right to say anything. Even now, the effort she puts into the relationship seems minimal. She’s only stopped doing some of the things that upset me. When I talk to her about it, she accuses me of being negative and insists I should see the progress, even though it’s been months since I first brought up my concerns. I’ve grown insecure due to our past issues, and I struggle to trust her. Sometimes, I feel strongly for her, but at other times, I worry things will only get worse after marriage.
She’s eager to get married soon due to family pressure, but I’m hesitant until I’m sure she’ll treat me better.
I’m unsure of what to do. I created this Reddit account to seek advice, as I don’t want to share the details with my friends. I need guidance on how to move forward from here.
why stay in a relation where u feel insecured. if at all she marries you, after marriage what If the same insecurity continuous. it might lead to a divorce. better make a decision before something worse happens.
few things might’ve changed but that dint take away ur insecurity. u will nly be happy when she make u her priority.
make a decision soon so u could have a better life
It sounds like you’re in a tough spot, feeling insecure about the relationship and unsure if things will improve before making a big commitment like marriage. Your concerns are valid, especially since you’ve tried addressing issues multiple times, but haven’t seen the progress you need to feel secure. Feeling hesitant about marriage is a huge red flag if you don’t feel your partner is fully invested in making things better.
Here are a few things to consider as you navigate this:
1. Recognize Your Worth: You have every right to express your concerns and need for respect. If she’s dismissing your feelings by accusing you of being negative, that’s a form of invalidation. In any partnership, both people need to feel heard and valued. Your emotions and concerns should not be minimized or brushed off.
2. Set Clear Boundaries: If you’re still unsure, it might be helpful to set clear boundaries and expectations for how you want to be treated before moving forward. Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and if you’re feeling insecure now, it’s crucial to address those feelings openly. Trust needs to be rebuilt, and actions need to speak louder than words.
3. Time for Reflection: Trust your instincts. If you’re hesitant about moving forward, it’s important to take time to reflect. Marriage is a big decision, and it shouldn’t be rushed due to external pressures. You’re not obligated to marry until you feel confident about the relationship’s stability and your partner’s willingness to meet your needs.
4. Communicate Honestly: Have an honest conversation about how you’re feeling. Express that you’re not ready to commit until you see more effort and a genuine shift in how you’re treated. If she values the relationship, she should be willing to listen and work through these concerns with you.
5. Take Control of Your Future: Ultimately, the decision is yours. You don’t owe anyone a rushed commitment, especially if you’re not feeling secure. Trust your gut, and don’t let pressure or uncertainty cloud your judgment. Your happiness and well-being should come first. If she truly cares, she’ll respect your need for time and space to ensure a healthy and fulfilling future together.
It’s okay to seek clarity before taking such a big step, and it’s okay to expect the effort to be mutual.