Does a Girl’s Consent Mean Nothing?

I am 19 years female. A guy from my city proposed to me multiple times. I blocked him and kept him blocked for two years. After two years, in 2023, his cousin approached me and said, “Please unblock him.” He convinced me, and I unblocked him. But he was from another religion, so when he confessed his love again, I blocked him again.

Then, I started receiving messages on social media from his cousin sisters and his cousin brother, asking me to unblock him because he loved me so much. After seeing so much effort, I unblocked him, and we started talking. He got very attached. I tried to say no to him multiple times, but he seemed really serious and kept making constant efforts. So, I thought of giving him a chance.

I usually get proposals because of my looks, but nobody had made this much effort for me before him. After three months of talking, we got into a relationship. I removed all the extra boys from my social media-male friends and everyone who liked me.

After that, my mother found out about our relationship. He was a really nice guy, so my mother allowed me to stay in a relationship with him. On his birthday, he took permission from my mom to take me to Manali for his birthday celebration. My female friend, his cousin, me, and one of his friends five people in total went on the trip.

My plan was to sleep with my female best friend, but she said she didn’t want to disturb the couple and that we should enjoy our time. She didn’t want to be a kabab me haddi and whatever. She forced me to leave the room and sleep with my boyfriend, locking the room from the inside. So, I had to sleep with him, and we decided we wouldn’t do anything.

But he started kissing me and then slowly began removing my clothes. I stopped him multiple times, but he said, “I will only see your body; I won’t do anything.” Then he started doing more inappropriate things. I couldn’t understand anything, and then he inserted… and I started bleeding.

I was about to cry because this was really unexpected from him. I wanted to stay a virgin until marriage. I felt like I was raped. Why the fuck did I trust him? Why did I come to Manali with him? I tried to stop him at every step, but he said, “Trust me, I won’t do anything.”

After that, I ran to the bathroom. There was a lot of blood. I cleaned myself, and when I went back to the room, he said, “It was a mistake.” Не hugged me and made me sleep. My legs were shaking. I was numb at that time, so I said nothing to him.

We came back home, and he was normal. I was also normal. After a few months, he planned another trip and promised me that he wouldn’t touch me, that he would only sleep by my side and hug me. After his thousand promises, I said okay. After reaching there, he did the same thing, and I bled there too. But now, I am a non-virgin, and that happened without my consent. I tried to stop him, but he said, “I can’t control myself in front of you.” I regret trusting him.

After that, he never changed, but I am in constant guilt. He promised me he would marry me, but what if we don’t? It will be a huge betrayal to my future husband. I wanted to stay a virgin until marriage. That was my belief. But he did everything without my consent, using lines like, “I just want to see you, trust me, I won’t do anything, don’t stop me,” etc.

He is a good guy and loyal, caring, spends a lot of money on me, serious everything a girl wants. He is perfect. He even promised me he would marry me. He talks to my mother, and his siblings know about me. But I am just 19, and he is 23. I am in constant doubt. I talked to him about this, and he said, “Sorry, that was a very big mistake. I will never change and will make you my wife.”

But I keep thinking about this regularly. All this mattered to me a lot. I know this doesn’t matter nowadays everyone is non-virgin. But I wanted to stay a virgin until marriage, and he destroyed my belief and my plan.

Now, how can I stop thinking about this? And what should I do now? What are your views on this?