I don’t know if this will be posted or not, but still, I want to share.
When I was in class 5, my sister eloped with a guy, but after that, she was brought back, and we came to know that she was under the influence of black magic. I don’t know properly; I have only heard about it from others. From that moment, I decided I would not do anything like this. From that moment on, my parents started to doubt me and put many restrictions on me like I couldn’t talk to boys, and if I did, it had to be in front of them. I had no privacy; they checked everything I owned, even a school notebook. At that time, I didn’t find it too problematic. I thought it was normal after what had happened. And in this way, it still continues.
After completing my 12th grade, this kind of thing continued. They never trusted me, or I can say they didn’t want to. Slowly, I started to feel disappointed in them-why was I facing this? I had done nothing wrong, yet they started doubting me. When I was in my second year of graduation, they got me a phone, but I wasn’t allowed to set a password, and they used to check it. I didn’t like it. I had nothing to hide, but my point was-why would they check it? Don’t they trust me? That is a question I still ask.
After that incident, my mother started calling me names I hadn’t even heard before-l came to know them from her. She used to beat me to make me admit that I was talking to some guy. But that wasn’t true. I had never engaged with any guy, not in school or college. These things affected me very badly. I started keeping everything to myself, lost my confidence and self-esteem, and became a people-pleaser. I did everything I could to make them happy, but even after that, I was not appreciated. My inner self was screaming for their appreciation, but it never came.
It’s still going on. They still doubt me, check my bag, refuse to give me privacy, and always tell me to keep my room’s door open. But these things made me rebellious. I started arguing about everything they did to me. Going out with friends late at night-for others, it may be normal, but for me, it was a luxury. But the main part is, I don’t even have any friends now. I don’t know why, but I like being alone. Even when I go out, it’s with my college mates, not friends. My love life is nonexistent.
After all of this, I keep wondering-am I lacking something? Why don’t I have any good friends? Why is there no one who loves me? I am an introvert, sensitive, and so empathetic that I can even feel someone’s pain and cry for them. Even after being kind and good to everyone, I was still accused of flirting with one of my college mate’s boyfriends. But I know myself-I would never do that. Even if I am single, I believe relationships nowadays don’t last. If I see a bond blossoming, I will pray for them.
I don’t know. I still feel like something must be lacking in me-that no one wants to love me, that I am only there to be used and thrown away. I haven’t even had a single good friend or a boyfriend who truly loves me. There is so much more I want to say, but I can’t put it into words. Still, a part of me just wants to feel loved, respected, trusted, and appreciated. Because after everything that has happened, I have craved these things-even when I was beaten, called names, and accused of things I never did. Even after becoming good to everyone.
I know there are many people facing worse problems than me, and if they can go on, I can too. That thought keeps me motivated. I don’t know what the reaction will be if this gets posted. Lastly, I just want to say. I wish no one gets parents like mine. I know this is harsh, but parents need to understand that materialistic things are not enough. Children need emotional support. If they don’t get it, they will search for it elsewhere, and they will settle for the bare minimum, enduring any toxicity just to feel love.