We met in college. He has always been there for me and has been very supportive. We started developing feelings for each other, but we never talked about it, though I could sense it. One day, we had a random discussion, and I ended up confessing my feelings for him. I had stopped myself many times in the past because I didn’t want to ruin our friendship.
He has been a big support system and has pushed me a lot career-wise. I know he respects me a lot. But things changed after I shared my feelings. We started talking more, but we also had arguments. He has anger issues. I know we aren’t compatible enough, but I desperately wanted it to work because I had fallen in love after a long time, after losing all faith in it. At my age, I wanted a love that would turn into marriage.
We even made out but didn’t have sex because he was unsure about the future, and I can’t do it without a relationship. He has never been in a proper long-term relationship either. At this point, I’m trying to save the friendship because of the bond we share, even though he doesn’t want to commit. I’m also trying to find a job in a different city because staying in the same place is just hurting me over and over again.
I want to do things for him-feed him, buy him things, pamper him, create art for him, have intimacy-all out of love, not lust. But at the same time, I feel he shouldn’t have initiated things if he wasn’t sure about commitment. I did say some mean things during arguments, but I didn’t mean them.
Once, he even called me a red flag because I’m still in contact with my ex. But my ex has moved on in life. I just have an amicable relationship with him because we parted ways out of respect, due to religious differences and my father not agreeing to it. I swear I am not cheating or anything. I am a one-man woman, and my heart belongs to my friend, the one I have feelings for.
He even told me to move on, but it’s so tough for me. The thought of going on a date or talking to someone else with romantic intentions feels like cheating, even though I’m not in a relationship.
Please understand that I am truly in love, and I don’t want to be hurt. I’m trying to move out of that city (even though I got my first-ever job there and have to join in April-he helped me with it too) because I know I can’t move on if I stay in the same place. I’m just tired, hurt, and broken. All I wanted was to love him selflessly and do everything I could for the man I love. I tried my best.
Physical intimacy (not necessarily sexual), pampering someone with gifts or other gestures, and expressing my love through art-these are my love languages. I tried my best. I’m not saying he’s a bad person. He is a beautiful person, but he has his shortcomings. I’m just tired and heartbroken. I have cried so much.
Question: What should I do?
1. Join the job in the same city and be friends with him.
2. Move to a new city and start a new life.
3. End my life.