I am a 29F, happily married with a kid. I don’t use Instagram that often as I find it addictive. I install it whenever I need to post something, keep it for a day, and uninstall it again. This time, I noticed posts on this page. It’s filled with people suffering in their marriages. Stories here are filled with insecurities, infidelity, immaturity, jealousy, and sometimes pure evil you name it. What’s missing are the stories of thousands of couples who love being married and have no motivation to share their stories here, but they do exist.
I found my husband on a matrimonial site, and it has been three years of a happy marriage. I never wanted to get married, as I had no examples of happy marriages around me while growing up, and I was forced to find a partner through an arranged marriage. I tried to make as sane a decision as possible and finally found a man who did not have any red flags. I married him just to shut my parents’ mouths. But once I got married, it turned out totally different from what I thought. I assumed I would be treated like a maid, my emotions wouldn’t matter, and I would fight with my husband every day but thankfully, the opposite happened.
It felt like a dream. I fell in love with this guy, and I am proud of the choice I made (with whatever little choices I had). I really didn’t know I could ever be this happy. I am conventionally good looking, so I always got male attention, but I never really cared about it. But his attention felt like a dream to me everything he said or did mattered to me. My God! I can never explain how beautiful life can feel when you are with the right person. So, it breaks my heart when young people say they don’t trust people anymore or don’t want to get married.
So, I wanted to share what true love feels like:
1. You will feel safe around him. You don’t have to walk on eggshells or constantly think about your every move and how he will react.
2. You feel like you matter, your emotions are valid, and you can show your not so pretty side to him, and he would still love you.
3. He protects you from others, and suddenly, you have a partner to fight your troubles with.
4. Your confidence doubles up no matter what happens, you know he is there.
5. I have never had a panic attack after getting married, which used to happen once or twice a week before.
If, after reading the above points, you think I am a weak woman who needed validation, then I’m sorry you’re wrong. I always considered myself a strong, independent woman, but I never really knew that even the strongest of soldiers need a home a safe space. He is that for me. With him, I am twice as strong, more independent, and I can take risks because I have a soft cushion to land on if I ever fall.
So, yes, this is what a good marriage feels like.
If you’re curious about how I decided this was the right guy to marry especially in an arranged marriage setup then here are a few things:
1. I had the right priorities in mind. His money mattered (what he earns tells me how serious he is about life), but not his ancestral wealth, as it has nothing to do with his qualities as a man. I am an independent woman who earns enough to support my family by myself, so I cared very little about property and more about what he achieved in his life.
2. Looks didn’t matter to me, but my husband turned out to be handsome and kind. However, it was never a criterion.
3. The way he handles differences of opinion matters. Does your opinion have equal weight to his? Can he listen to criticism and take it positively? Is he capable of clear, honest communication without any ego attached to it? If yes, then that’s the guy.
4. His temper matters is he patient? Pro tip: good listeners are often very patient. If he listens to your hour long stories and remembers every little detail, then that’s the guy.
5. I had a rule not to get emotionally attached to anyone before marriage, as it takes a long time for me to get over someone. So, I always maintained boundaries while talking to him, yet shared important things like values, spirituality (we both turned out to be agnostic), and finances. This allowed me to think without rose colored glasses.
6. Jealousy is not cute it gets very real after marriage. Make sure the guy knows how to trust someone.
7. Try to understand their family dynamics. His mother turned out to be sweet, with very few issues that we had to address delicately after marriage. However, I have seen parents who don’t love their sons enough to let them be happy with their partners. Such parents can be selfish, and if sons have no voice at home, it becomes hard to have a happy family.
8. See if he has a backbone. How does he talk about the major decisions in his life? The job he does was it his choice? Can he be fair when you have issues with his mother (which you will, as differences are inevitable and some clashes are bound to happen)? A man without a backbone is not a man at all.
I once met a guy who said, “You can wear whatever you want when you are with me, but you need to be modest whenever my parents are in town.” Although my fashion choices have always been modest, I considered this a red flag.
What he was actually telling me was, “You have all the freedom with me, but once my parents come into the picture, you will lose it all, and I don’t have enough voice at home to discuss this with them. Also, I can’t explain to you whether your dressing sense is appropriate for an occasion.” So, I rejected that guy right away.
That’s it. That’s my experience and checklist. Hope it helps and restores your faith in marriages.
Question:
Was this post helpful, or do you think three years is still the honeymoon phase? (Certainly feels like it though!)
Option 1: Yes, and happy marriages do exist.
Option 2: It has been just three years, wait and watch.