I am a 29 years old female. This is a confession I am making because this has been eating me up inside, and I don’t know how to ask for forgiveness! I was in a relationship with a guy for about eight months, and it was a wonderful relationship. For any reason, I never wanted to give up on this. Even the guy was very much in love with me, but due to family issues and caste problems, he couldn’t commit to marriage. As days passed, our bond became strong and inseparable. However, his family found out and arranged his marriage.
Still, I didn’t lose hope and tried everything to be with him, but he couldn’t make it work and didn’t take a stand to break the marriage. He got married to the girl. Until the last day of his marriage, we were in touch talking, meeting, and what not. This guy married the girl forcibly but also never wanted to leave me. He had hopes that we would stay in touch even after his marriage, but I was restricting myself, telling him not to continue talking to me after marriage. Deep inside, though, I knew I wanted to stay in touch with him. I loved him so much that I even thought of never marrying in my life.
The day he got married, he didn’t contact me or even check on me. I was so hurt. Those seven days, I felt emotionally and physically used, and I couldn’t accept the fact that he would abandon me like this right after getting married. I was filled with rage, anger, anxiety, and so many emotions. I had already failed in multiple relationships, even after putting in 200% effort. Out of rage, I wanted to do something wrong, imagining him and his wife, thinking he must be having a great time with her.
That’s when I committed a sin that I will regret for the rest of my life. I was alone at home, and I booked a body massage, selecting “service for men.” I wanted to take revenge for all the loyalty I had given in my relationships to this guy and my past relationships, as I felt I got nothing in return. The massage therapist came, and he did the massage while I was entirely naked. While doing it, he touched me down there, and I didn’t say a single word or stop him.
He asked me if I wanted to have sex, and at that moment, I felt disgusted and denied him, and it all stopped. Still, I was okay with whatever I did. The next day, my boyfriend came to my home unannounced, telling me how much he was missing me and how he couldn’t stop himself despite trying to maintain distance. Somehow, he found out about my massage booking, and later, I confessed everything to him. Now, he is extremely hurt and has started hating me.
I never thought we were ever going to reconcile after his marriage, and I couldn’t even have patience for a week before committing this sin. I thought that since he got married, it was all over, and I did it out of rage. I know I was loyal to him the entire time until his marriage, but now he is questioning everything even though he is married and living with someone else. I am shattered now. I can’t sleep thinking about the sin I have committed.
He is going to hate me for his entire life. Everything is over now. I don’t know what to do or how to ask for forgiveness from God and him. Because of this action, I ruined everything. He is even questioning my sanity and the love he had for me. I am feeling suicidal, and I am left with nothing now. I could have managed my entire life just loving him without getting married, but what have I done? How can I undo this? He is the love of my life. How can I live knowing he will hate me for his entire life?