This is an inter-religion marriage, and from the start, we have faced challenges in aligning expectations. During the engagement, we asked my fiancé’s mother about their rituals for milni. She mentioned that they usually give gold to 6 to 7 relatives. Since this was beyond our budget, we clearly stated that while we would give gold and cash to his immediate family (parents, sisters, and him), we couldn’t afford to give gold to extended relatives.
During engagement also, we gave a good amount of cash to his family (to each member)as shagun, along with clothes (which were also expensive) and around 20 to 21 sets of clothes plus cash to his relatives. However, his parents were upset about not receiving rings for all the relatives. On their part, they did the bare minimum for me during the engagement. When my fiancé suggested they increase it, his mother replied, “It’s enough if we are giving this much.” Since then, his parents haven’t called me or spoken to me even once.
They didn’t ask about my size or preferences for clothes, nor did they involve me in any wedding related preparations. We also had some medical reasons to travel so we requested them to let us have this wedding at our place but they chose their comforts and ease to have wedding at their place, ignoring our repeated requests to have wedding at our place. For the wedding, we are still giving gold and gifts to his immediate family.
But they are only doing the basic minimum for me (just the necklace set whereas bangles are also given to the bride). The frustrating part is that they only have to do something for one person (the bride), whereas we are doing it for him and his entire family. Whenever I bring up the fact that traditionally some things come from the groom’s side, it feels like I’m begging. My fiancé is hesitant to speak up because he knows his parents will refuse and justify it by saying, “Since you didn’t give gold to our relatives, we won’t do much for the bride.”
He also doesn’t have savings so he doesn’t have much say. Meanwhile, my family has started taunting me, questioning what kind of people they are. He will be getting it too from his side also. It was already a huge challenge to convince both families for this wedding, but this entire issue has made everything sour. I love my fiancé, and he is a good person, but seeing how his parents don’t listen to him and how their taunts affect him is making me doubt the marriage.
I can tell he is impacted by their behavior, even though he doesn’t openly say it. If their demands had been met, he would have felt at ease, too. Now, my biggest fear is that I am 31 years old, and calling off the wedding at this stage terrifies me. Should I ignore all these lena dena issues and get married to him? Or is this a red flag that shouldn’t be ignored.