In August 2014, amidst 999 friend requests, I accepted one from a boy. He immediately asked for my WhatsApp number, claiming his friends might use his profile. I didn’t know what WhatsApp was, so I asked my friends to help me install it and gave him my number. After two months of chatting, we got busy with our lives. Months later, we kept in touch through messages for a year without meeting. He proposed, and I rejected him immediately due to past trauma.
We exchanged photos and shared our lives. I opened up about my pain, suffering, and memories. Gradually, I fell in love with him. In September 2015, we met for the first time. After moving out of India, we did long distance for six months. When he said he missed me and was sad, I fought with my mother and flew back to India against her wishes. I came just for him, but he started blaming me for my behavior, failing to understand my trauma.
I accepted the blame, trying to change myself. Our relationship had multiple breakups, each time due to my behavior. I lied to him to avoid hurting his feelings, which I realized was wrong and stopped. Every breakup involved drama from my side because I wasn’t ready to let go. He would block me, and after 8 to 9 months, he’d come back as if nothing had happened. I kept quiet about my pain, always sharing my life with him, seeking his opinions, and taking some of his advice.
In 2021, he broke up with me over my irritated expression. I arranged trips to meet him, but every time, he would eventually criticize me for my behavior. In 2022, my mental suffering turned into physical health problems. He came back briefly but criticized me for sharing negative feelings, even though I tried to hide them. When he saw my status updates about my problems, he ended it, using my status as a reason. I pleaded, but he said it was too late.
By October 2022, he broke up with me again. During his birthday in September, I asked him to take care of me and promised to follow his advice, but he blamed me for not listening. Despite my begging, he remained indifferent. By January 2023, he blocked me after yelling that I wasn’t patient enough. My family and friends told me he was a fraud, but I couldn’t accept it. I kept chasing him, only to be told I was a burden and he stayed out of pity. He said he loved me but later denied it, calling it pity.
I went through therapy and discovered I was in the third stage of depression with insomnia and suicidal tendencies. When I asked for his help, he told me nobody would care if I died and refused to help. I felt shattered and destroyed my own heart with the pain. In 2024, he told me it was too late. He claimed he deserved better and couldn’t be happy with me, saying he didn’t want me in his life. He criticized me, said I was an illusion, and wished me well.
I couldn’t let go and tried again in April 2024. He yelled at me, blaming me for everything and humiliating me. He said he moved on 1.5 years ago and warned me not to disturb his life. He replied to my last messages, saying he never loved me, that I deserved the pain, and that he cursed me. I wrote him a final goodbye, apologizing and wishing him well, promising never to contact him again. Despite everything I did for him, he said I ruined his peace and treated him poorly. I still don’t understand what went wrong or why I deserve this.
Now, at 31, I’m heading back to my country, jobless, with chronic illnesses, and emotionally shattered. I sacrificed so much for him my career, my friends, and even my relationship with my mother. I’m left questioning if I’m not a better person or if I truly deserve this painful existence.