About me: I am a guy who never thinks or wants anything bad for anyone. I never abuse, I never drink or smoke. I know how to cook by now, I can cook everything. I’m a vegetarian, but I also know how to cook non-veg. I’ve made it lots of times, and every time I got compliments that it’s so tasty tastier than what their mothers cook. I can cook Chinese, Indian, fast foods, and many more things.
I had my first relationship at the age of 15 with a girl named Manisha. I know it was too early to be in a relationship. I got into it because there was an excitement in my head that I also have a girlfriend who loves me, etc., etc. At that time, the excitement turned into deep love. I loved her so much from day one, but I got cheated on and deeply hurt. From that day, I made it clear in my mind that I would never fall in love again. I suffered a lot got into anxiety, depression, loneliness.
After that, I stopped talking to girls, stopped looking at them, never turned my head to see them just ignored them all the time. It was like they never existed in this world. I never tried to make friends (I have 0 friends). But things changed at 19. I met a girl (*****) on Telegram through a Commerce stream group. It started with exchanging notes for Accounts (we both were preparing for our 12th boards).
We started talking and became friends. From normal friends, we became best friends. After that, we started liking each other. But due to the heartbreak in my past, I never confessed my feelings. She knew everything about me my past relationship and all. After some time, she confessed her feelings. I tried to explain to her that I never wanted to be in a relationship again after being hurt so deeply, and tried to keep things at a friendship level.
She agreed at first, but after 2 to 3 days, she started saying she had feelings for me, she loved how I treated her, and now after confessing, it was hard for her to maintain a friendship. Then, she blocked me. This started hurting me again and again that she left. So I thought maybe she truly loved me. I reconnected with her, expressed all my feelings to her, and shared everything. I fell deeply in love with her again in just a few weeks.
She’s so nice and a great person. I gave her everything, loved her so much like a gentleman. But after some time, small mood off issues and little misunderstandings started from her side. She never tried to solve the problems or sort things out. She directly said, “Mujhe nahi lagta hume relationship mein rehna chahiye, mai breakup kar rahi hu.” This happened 7 to 8 times.
Every time she broke up with me, she never wanted to sort it out or continue the relationship. Each time, I begged her, pleaded with her not to leave me like this. These things went on for 7 to 8 months. She kept coming back saying sorry and promising it would never happen again. I believed her and forgave her because I truly loved her (it was an 8 months relationship). Each time we fought over something, she discussed it with her female friend.
I knew this, but she never admitted it. In April, she started giving up on everything over a small behavior change, I was just being normally rude because she didn’t understand my problems. I was in the hospital for some reason, already feeling low, dealing with sleepless nights, always busy in the hospital, mood offs, and in a little pain too. I tried to explain everything to her and told her not to irritate me at that moment.
But she kept doing the same. Then I scolded her a bit on call, was a little rude. After that, fights started again. She blamed me for everything mood offs, behavior change, fights and said I hurt her. In anger, I told her over chats that each time she blocked or left me, it hurt me a lot. That it broke my heart. I also have feelings. I also face pain, hurt, blame. I also cry for things. After that, we didn’t talk for a day.
I was already busy in the hospital and, that same day, in the ICU, I saw a patient die from rat poisoning. That disturbed me so much. I was already going through a lot, and then I got a message from her that she was breaking up with me. I again begged her, requested her more than 1000+ times not to leave me, to please understand my situation. I was dealing with so many bad things at that moment, but she didn’t want to listen to anything.
Again, I’m dealing with heartbreak, anxiety, depression, anxiety attacks, sleepless nights, loneliness. I feel like it’s better to end my life. I question myself is this what I deserve after giving my everything? Is loving someone this much really worth it? If anyone has a solution for dealing with all this, please comment.