My marriage was not my decision. Due to financial issues, my parents compelled me to marry someone financially more stable than us. I wanted to continue my studies and pursue my dream of becoming a teacher. My marriage took place during my final year of undergraduate studies, and he paid for that year. From the beginning, he constantly said things like, “I had many proposals from rich people; you were the poorest, and I chose you because I love you.” He believes this is love, and it hurts me deeply.
I am slightly heavier than him, and from the start, he complained about my weight and told me to control my diet. This made me unhappy, and when I expressed my displeasure, he stopped. He never cares about my happiness. He told me not to pursue higher education, to just get a job, because he couldn’t wait another two years for my studies. He thinks this is love because he can’t live without me. I gave up my dream for him, not out of love, but out of resentment towards him and my parents.
Every time I considered ending this, thoughts of my parents and the possibility of things improving in the future kept me going. I quit dancing, something that brought me joy, because he didn’t like it. I stopped wearing lipstick because he didn’t like it.
I have up all my happiness for him. I tried to love him, but I couldn’t, so I tried to fake it, hoping to develop love later. I always thought things would improve once we lived together. After completing my studies, I moved in with him and learned about his health condition, prostatitis. We have never had a good physical relationship; my first sexual experience was clearly ra*e. He is unaware of this, and our physical intimacy has always been solely for the purpose of having a baby. We lack proper communication. When I try to discuss even personal problems, he involves his family or my family, always ending in a fight. Even before we had a chance to understand each other and communicate properly.
I became pregnant. I’m going through a difficult time, struggling with my mental health. I’m not even able to enjoy my pregnancy. I have no love for him to give him another chance. He believes he loves me because I always do things his way. But looking back, I’ve never truly lived and my true self is missing. I want to leave this situation and live the life I want with my baby, but I am not financially independent to raise a child, and my family is not supportive. What should I do?