I Fell in Love with My Best Friend, Scarified My Own Happiness

We met in college. He has always been there for me and has been very supportive. We started developing feelings for each other, but we never talked about it, though I could sense it. One day, we had a random discussion, and I ended up confessing my feelings for him. I had stopped myself many times in the past because I didn’t want to ruin our friendship.

He has been a big support system and has pushed me a lot career-wise. I know he respects me a lot. But things changed after I shared my feelings. We started talking more, but we also had arguments. He has anger issues. I know we aren’t compatible enough, but I desperately wanted it to work because I had fallen in love after a long time, after losing all faith in it. At my age, I wanted a love that would turn into marriage.

We even made out but didn’t have sex because he was unsure about the future, and I can’t do it without a relationship. He has never been in a proper long-term relationship either. At this point, I’m trying to save the friendship because of the bond we share, even though he doesn’t want to commit. I’m also trying to find a job in a different city because staying in the same place is just hurting me over and over again.

I want to do things for him-feed him, buy him things, pamper him, create art for him, have intimacy-all out of love, not lust. But at the same time, I feel he shouldn’t have initiated things if he wasn’t sure about commitment. I did say some mean things during arguments, but I didn’t mean them.

Once, he even called me a red flag because I’m still in contact with my ex. But my ex has moved on in life. I just have an amicable relationship with him because we parted ways out of respect, due to religious differences and my father not agreeing to it. I swear I am not cheating or anything. I am a one-man woman, and my heart belongs to my friend, the one I have feelings for.

He even told me to move on, but it’s so tough for me. The thought of going on a date or talking to someone else with romantic intentions feels like cheating, even though I’m not in a relationship.

Please understand that I am truly in love, and I don’t want to be hurt. I’m trying to move out of that city (even though I got my first-ever job there and have to join in April-he helped me with it too) because I know I can’t move on if I stay in the same place. I’m just tired, hurt, and broken. All I wanted was to love him selflessly and do everything I could for the man I love. I tried my best.

Physical intimacy (not necessarily sexual), pampering someone with gifts or other gestures, and expressing my love through art-these are my love languages. I tried my best. I’m not saying he’s a bad person. He is a beautiful person, but he has his shortcomings. I’m just tired and heartbroken. I have cried so much.

Question: What should I do?

1. Join the job in the same city and be friends with him.

2. Move to a new city and start a new life.

3. End my life.

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