I had been in a 6 years long relationship with a man who was very understanding and used to value my presence in his life. He was so head over heels for me that I never imagined any other man in my life other than him. But on some days, thinking he wouldn’t leave me at any cost, I suppose I took him for granted and picked up fights with him over minor issues (maybe like a normal couple). But when the time came for marriage talks, we told both our families. My family reacted mildly negatively, but I was sure I could convince them with time.
However, his family started emotionally blackmailing him. His mother became bedridden, and his family guilt tripped him by saying that if something happened to her, he would be the only one responsible for that loss. This instantly made him pull away from our relationship, though I tried to convince him to wait for some months/years and try again. None of my efforts worked in making him stay because I was the only one fighting for our love, both with my family and convincing him to stay strong.
During these discussions, he stopped caring for my emotions and began listing all the negative things he had felt about me over the years of our relationship, which affected my personality and confidence. I realized I had been dominant and toxic towards him many times and that I deserved the pain I had caused him through all those years. But I was sad that he didn’t give me a second chance to fix myself and become my best version with him.
He just left me citing family disapproval, but I know that it was his decision too. I didn’t see any fear or grief in him about losing me, and he easily reconciled with his family again. He became the ideal man to his family and younger cousins, who left their love for family honor, whereas I became a cheapo to my family for fighting for him.
It’s quite difficult to move on, as I couldn’t share my feelings with anyone since my only best friend used to be my boyfriend for 6 long years. I felt unworthy and low about myself. Healed or unhealed, I gradually diverted from those feelings and mentally prepared myself to hope for a good future and marry someone supportive. Fast forward one year, after rejecting many proposals, I stepped into an arranged marriage with someone who seemed progressive and supportive.
Things moved quickly, and we got married within one month of meeting each other due to extreme luck (no muhurtams, actually). I misinterpreted his silence as understanding, his dependent behavior as respect towards his fatherly figure of his brother-in-law, and his introversion as calm nature. When the marriage date was near and some issues came up between our two families, he behaved with passive aggression, stopped talking to me until they were resolved, and didn’t even care for my opinion.
I ignored the red flags and felt it was just a phase during marriage talks. But things between our families became quite rough on the wedding day, and I was clearly not happy with their family’s toxicity and my husband’s uncaring behavior.
Even though I’ve advocated feminism for a long time, I couldn’t muster the courage to stop my marriage at that point. I continued with the rituals with teary eyes. Within 15 days of marriage, there was emotional incompatibility, spiritual incompatibility, his lack of interest in marriage, over-involvement of his mother-in-law, and his sister’s husband making decisions for us and disrespecting my family for staying with me.
All this drove us apart, and we stayed separated for a few days. When he found out about my different work location, he started fighting with me, forcing me to leave that job and plan a transfer within 3-4 months. Even though he’s working from home and could potentially stay with me in the new location until my transfer, he told me strictly that it’s the wife’s responsibility to shift to the husband’s place and not the husband’s duty to stay together.
He said he preferred staying at his location over us staying together. I felt like I was just another piece of furniture in his home, loved only when he was around. I firmly told him it was wrong for him to say that marriage is only the wife’s responsibility and that both partners have to make efforts to stay together.
After this slight argument, which was actually polite (I was careful not to be dominant, as I had learned a lesson from my previous relationship), he stopped speaking to me and didn’t care about my whereabouts for months. When we finally contacted, he went directly to meet a lawyer.
Though I know I’m not happy with him, I still tried to be my best self, learning from my past mistakes, and tried to form a bond with a better hope for the future. I don’t know why all this happened to me. All I expect from my partners is support and love. Now, we have been separated for the past 2 years. He hasn’t contacted me once and hasn’t settled for divorce in court proceedings, leaving me stuck here with the unwanted tag of being a divorcee after just 15 days of marriage, with no love.
In these 2 years, I tried to contact my ex, and he’s happy to be my friend again but doesn’t want to restart the relationship, and he’s firm in his decision. (Another reason I feel unworthy is that he still doesn’t want to give me a chance to show my genuine love for him.)
Though I’m grateful that my family has been supportive throughout my marriage situation, I fear about my future as I’m aging and have crossed 30. I feel unworthy of love, underconfident, and have no purpose in life. I wonder who would love me with all these insecurities, and what I could potentially offer my future partner with all these flaws! ~ Anonymous
Question: Do you also fear about remaining lonely in life?
1: Yes. Can relate.
2: No. Can’t relate to your feelings.
3: I have a good companion, so no worries about that