Confession of South Indian Girl coming from Orthodox Family

I’m a 22-year-old South Indian woman, raised in a strict, orthodox household, burdened with insecurities, responsibilities, and constant overthinking. Trust issues? I’ve got them all-on steroids. A year ago, things weren’t perfect, but they were manageable. Now? It feels like my life’s a train wreck waiting to happen.

Almost a year ago, I met him in an anonymous chatroom I had been using for three years. I mostly chatted with strangers for fun and rarely made real friends. That day, I messaged him first. His username was the title of a book I love. I’m a book nerd, and it caught my attention. He was dealing with something serious in his life, so I offered advice and shared my own struggles to let him know that life can still be lived, no matter how harsh it gets. We barely exchanged ten messages in total.

One day, he messaged me out of the blue to say it was his birthday. I wished him, and to my shock, he proposed to me. Without ever seeing me, he confessed his love. I thought it was a joke. I mean, who proposes without even knowing what the other person looks like? Especially me-a fat, short, dark-skinned girl. I assumed he’d run for the hills once he saw me. But no, he didn’t. Instead, he called me beautiful and said he loved me. When I saw his picture, I was stunned. He was handsome-way out of my league.

I rejected him for a month straight. My trust issues wouldn’t let me believe him. Growing up, all I ever saw was my parents fighting, living just for societal approval. Love, marriage, family? None of that seemed real to me. My friends were the only reason I hadn’t completely given up. But he was persistent. Slowly, he made me believe that I deserved to be loved.

After a month, I finally confessed my feelings. It wasn’t just because he made me happy. I felt seen for the first time in my life. He accepted me as I was-something even my parents hadn’t done. Everything felt perfect at first. We argued sometimes, but he was always the first to apologise. Occasionally, I’d delete my account to take a break, but he never gave up on me.

This went on for four months until one day, he dropped a bombshell. He told me he wanted to marry me in three years because his parents were getting old, and he needed to settle down soon. I panicked. I have responsibilities I can’t walk away from. So, I told him we should move on. He agreed. I couldn’t blame him; his reasons were valid. But deep down, I wished he had accepted my “no” the first time he proposed.

Twenty days later, he came back, saying he’d wait for me and convince his family. I gave him another chance, but something had changed. I couldn’t trust him the way I did before. Even before our first breakup, trust had been a struggle for me. But I tried. I really tried. I was even ready to fight my family for him.

Still, the fights continued. Arguments spiralled out of control. Yet, he was always there for me when I felt low, and I tried to be there for him too. But it was messy. Recently, things hit rock bottom. During one of our fights, I told him I was scared he’d pressure me into things I wasn’t ready for. That was the breaking point. He gave up. He said he couldn’t do it anymore. And just like that, we stopped talking.

Now, I’m stuck in this endless loop of regret and guilt. I can’t go back to him, but I can’t forget him either. He was my first love, and all I can think is, I ruined him. He gave me happiness, and I gave him pain. I feel like the biggest red flag in the world. I want to change, but I don’t even know where to start.

Questions:

1. Should I message him or just let it go?

2. How do I stop overthinking?

3. How do I start trusting people again without doubting their intentions?

4. How do I improve myself?

I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom. Any advice would mean the world to me.