Confession of Woman getting emotional on her Parents

Growing up with emotionally unavailable parents who caused more trauma than support has left me broken. Their behavior has shaped my distrust towards men when it comes to marriage. I used to be ambitious and career-driven, dreaming of becoming independent, earning my own money, and living life on my terms.

But coming from an orthodox family, I was constantly restricted whether it was about studies, friendships, or simply enjoying life. I heard “no” so often that I eventually stopped asking and accepted it as my fate. I promised myself I’d never marry someone from my religion because I feared they’d be just like my father and brother rigid, controlling, and emotionally distant.

During one of my emotionally vulnerable phases, I met a guy who supported me when I needed it the most. He loved me unconditionally, and I never cared about his looks, even though he faced rejection because of his dark complexion. We were each other’s support system. I helped him with his career, and he was my emotional anchor. We’ve been together for eight years and recently got engaged.

I convinced myself that things would work out because we knew each other well and shared common interests. But my deep-seated trust issues made it hard for me to fully let go or walk away. I held on tightly-maybe out of love, maybe out of fear.

I had some idea about his family’s background, but meeting them during the engagement was a shock. Their orthodox mindset and lifestyle feel worlds apart from mine. I was heartbroken, realizing I’d never envisioned myself becoming part of such a family. I simply cannot see myself fitting into that environment.

Even though we’ll live in separate cities, he’s the only son, and I know there will be expectations around caring for his parents and religious traditions. On top of that, I’m exhausted from constantly pushing him to grow in his career. While his friends are progressing, he remains content, always finding excuses to avoid certifications or job changes. It feels like I’m more of a parent than a partner, constantly nudging him forward.

His laid-back attitude, combined with his family’s orthodox views, has created a rift between us. We argue constantly. I cry almost every day, feel disconnected from everything, and even my job is suffering. I always feel like taking time off work just to figure things out, but I can’t take it.

I’ve even considered ending the relationship, but fear holds me back-fear that no one else will love me the way he does, and that my options within my religion are limited. I now get only uncles and people who have some issues in their families. Convincing my father for this relationship took everything I had, and now, the thought of starting over terrifies me.

I’m 31, the eldest in my family. My father assumes everything is fine and has started looking for a bride for my younger brother. But having an unmarried elder sister is making it difficult for him to find suitable matches, as some families hesitate when there’s an older unmarried daughter at home.

I don’t know whether to stay in this relationship or leave. I fear the societal pressure my father will face if both his children are unmarried in their 30s. Living in a joint family makes it worse-I have no privacy, not even my own room. The only personal space I get is the bathroom. Even simple things like video calls for arranged marriage prospects are a struggle.

I feel emotionally drained. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to connect with another man. Arranged marriages feel forced, devoid of emotional connection. I’m scared I’ll be pressured into saying yes to someone without having the time or space to heal from this relationship.

I’ve had dark thoughts. I feel like committing suicide. Sometimes it feels like there’s no way out. But then I think about my family-how it would break them. I’ve been asking God for a sign, for some clarity, but nothing seems to help.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve given up.