Haunted by Past Traumas and Toxic Exes, Doubting Myself Now

Since childhood, I have faced a lot of sexual abuse-men touching me inappropriately-so it takes me a long time to trust someone. When I was 19, I fell in love with an adorable man who pursued me. He had a girl best friend, which was completely normal to me, but he broke up with me over a text, citing reasons like parental approval, long distance, etc. However, he started avoiding me and spending more time with her. Later, I found out that they had feelings for each other even before meeting me but remained “just friends.” I was depressed for about a year, but somehow, I moved on.

When I was 21, I met another man who had also gone through a breakup because his ex cheated on him. Even though I was distant and maintained boundaries, he chased me and pursued me until we fell in love. However, he forced me to be intimate with him even after I repeatedly said no. He also went through my phone, and when I asked for his phone in return, I saw a message from his ex that he didn’t allow me to open. Later, he admitted that it contained intimate pictures of them, and he didn’t want me to be disturbed by seeing them. Over time, he slowly started avoiding me for a month, then ghosted me for another month before finally breaking up with me over text.

He used to prevent me from talking to other men, expected me to have no male friends, and made me feel insecure about myself and my body. But when he was avoiding me, he met his ex multiple times and even sent me pictures with her, where his hands were over her shoulders. When I questioned him, he said his friend made him do it, which I accepted and moved on. However, once, I had to wear a piece of jewelry gifted by my ex, which triggered him. He ghosted me for a month and then broke up with me after making fake promises about love, marriage, etc. It felt like he had just been waiting for a reason to leave me.

Now, I am completely willing to accept someone into my life wholeheartedly without carrying the baggage of this past trauma. But I have self-doubt-can anyone truly accept me with this past? And if someone does, what if he keeps doubting me because of it? What if he judges me my entire life? What if he makes a scene out of it? All these insecurities have built up because I have only met either childish or toxic, narcissistic men so far. The male ego and societal stereotypes frustrate me-women are judged harshly for having a past, while men are given an easy pass with no judgment at all. This keeps worrying me.

Question: What should I do?

Option 1: If you share your past and he judges you, accept it.

Option 2: Should I not mention my past to another man?

Option 3: Just forget and lead a new life.

Option 4: Stop overthinking; you can trust other men.