I married a year ago. I met him through arranged marriage biodata groups. He is multiskilled and has a good gym physique, which attracted me as I was also a gym addict. I sent him an Instagram request when I saw his profile, but I felt he was out of my league, so I ignored it. After a few days, he sent me a request on Instagram, saw my gym stories, and then said hello.
He asked for an introduction, and I informed him how I found him. He asked for my biodata, and he liked me based on my business, independence, and Instagram profile! He started talking to me, and within a month, he expected me to meet his family. He told his family that I was perfect for him as we both had similar goals and interests, and he rejected many girls based on differences.
His family came to see me, and since he lives in Europe and his family lives in India, he came and said yes. Within an hour, the engagement was done. All of this happened in three months over video calls, where we shared everything – likes, dislikes, our pasts. He shared that he had gone through marriage trauma and didn’t like responsibility. He had a past with a Ukrainian girl, which led him to dislike Indian girls and prefer foreign women, as they were more attractive, ambitious, open-minded, and didn’t control their husbands, which he experienced in his past. I told him I had feelings for him, and he felt the same for me. He drinks and smokes sometimes, but his family didn’t know about that, so I tried to hide it. He had high expectations and said I was different from what he imagined. But how could I be? If I felt down in front of him, I supported him.
I said, “If you don’t like to take responsibility, I’m independent; I can manage.” After that, he moved back to Europe for his job. Three months later, he came to India, and we got married because his visa was about to expire in 2025, and he wanted me to be there with him before it expired. Before marriage, I went to his home for a few days to do shopping, and during that time, his parents and family told me I was lucky for them. His family took my jewelry and put it in a locker but didn’t help me when I asked for something.
Even during intimacy, he complained every time that he didn’t feel any fun. He said I didn’t look the same as my Instagram profile, and I had stretch marks, which I had already shared with him before marriage. I also shared how my father’s nature and family were, and at that time, he said, “I accept you as you are. I didn’t marry you for your family. I ignore everything just for you. I will stand by you no matter what, if you stand by me.”
Before marriage, since he lived outside the country, I saw his lifestyle, which was very disciplined and strict. If I touched his clothes, he would say, “Don’t touch them, they are folded properly.” I felt the pressure to be perfect. He had lived alone for over 15 years without his family and liked things done only his way. I tried many times, but I couldn’t do the same. During our honeymoon, he started observing my style and told me he didn’t like it. Then, when we got intimate, he complained again about the taste and smell of my private parts. I thought it might be because of hormones or sugar, and I said I would manage. The next day, he complained
again about my behavior during intimacy, saying I was like a dead woman. I was trying to adjust because I lacked confidence, and I started crying for the first time after marriage. I didn’t even cry during my vidaai. I shared my thoughts with him, saying it felt like an insult, but he said he was just sharing it so I could know him better. We always tried to talk through issues, and I gave my best to impress him – with clothes, perfume, and everything. After four days in India, he said he saw improvement, and then he left India. Three months later, I lived with my in-laws, and my visa was approved. During calls, I felt that he was busy. He once said, “Once you come here, things will be fine because our married life will start when we live together and get to know each other better.” When I moved, he came to the airport to pick me up with roses and welcomed me nicely.
But then I felt the difference. He didn’t talk to me, no touch, no hugs, nothing. I thought he would be excited to see me after three months, as we had discussed our married life over calls with so much positivity. However, it turned out to be weird. When I asked him about it, he said, “You finally came into my private space, and I feel like I’ll lose my freedom.” I said, “Do whatever you want, I’m with you.” He complained again during intimacy, saying he didn’t feel attracted to me because of my marks, and he lost his erection. I said it might be because of his smoking, but he said he never felt that way in the past. It only happened with me, so I was the issue. He said he couldn’t live with me forever because he didn’t feel like being
intimate with me. This was shocking for me just because of sex, someone could leave the marriage in just a few days! I had just moved to this country, and within a week, he said this, even though I had made everything clear before marriage. Where did the love go that he promised me? I got so emotional and cried in front of him, but he said, “I don’t like crybabies.” I told him it could create major issues in our marriage if we didn’t resolve them, but then he started avoiding me and said he would never touch me. I tried to help him through a psychologist, but he just asked for space. I said okay. Once, I found his ex-girlfriend’s picture in his room. He got angry and said, “Don’t touch my stuff.” He washed his clothes separately and didn’t like anything I did.
I tried to change myself but it got worse. He said, “Don’t change yourself, just do as you are.” He said multiple times that he wanted to separate from me after just one month. No physical intimacy followed for the next eight months while I stayed with him abroad. I still tried to save my marriage because I loved him so much. I tried to control my emotions and needs by watching him from a distance, hugging his shirts, waiting for him to come to dinner, and not talking to me at all. I would just stand or sit there, waiting for him to talk. I tried to talk, but he would reply with short answers. On weekends, he invited his friends instead of solving issues or spending time with me.
I finally shared everything with both families, and they called him to ask why he was behaving this way. He fought with me and said, “Don’t tell anyone, it’ll cause more issues for me.” I felt that elders could help, as we were failing on our own. I got scared that he would leave me if I did something wrong. I started to feel like a one-sided lover in my marriage, so I stopped touching him or doing anything for him because everything about me annoyed him. He said I was immature and not behaving normally, as he expected. I started saving more money so l could pay my own fees. I told him I would pay him rent, fees, and bills for groceries, and he was okay with that.
Once, he said he would do things that would make me leave him by myself. He also said, “Don’t touch my phone; if you check it, you’ll know your place. I’m handsome, that’s why you married me.” I started working overtime, 200 hours a month, to distract myself. After a month, he told me to go to India and meet family because his visa was expiring. I said I wouldn’t go. We had constant arguments about our old issues, and I was asking for solutions or for us to be normal friends or to spend time together. He said he needed a break, and once I returned from India, we would go for therapy again (we had taken two sessions before, but he gave up).
His parents also told me to go, so I agreed but said I needed a return ticket. I also said I needed to return in four days because I had exams, my residence permit submission was in process, and my work contract was expiring. But when I reached India, his family pressured me for a decision. “Say it yourself that you want a divorce.” I asked, “Why? I came here for a break as you all said, but now you’re acting differently.” I felt worried and called my husband many times during my four-day stay in India, but he didn’t respond. When I was about to leave India, he texted me, saying, “Stay in India, I’ve canceled your return ticket.” He did it without my consent, and it broke me. His family stopped me from going back when I told them I had booked a new ticket, as I only had one day to reach Europe.
Then, I got a new message from my husband saying he was about to kill himself and didn’t want to see me again. I felt he was in stress. I told my in-laws I had exams and if I didn’t go, I could lose my residence permit based on my study documents. I realized it was all a trap. I didn’t realize it at the time. We went for women’s help for mediation to solve our issues maturely, but his family complained to the police with fake allegations against me that I left their son and didn’t want to be with him. This broke me because I thought things would change. Then, I received an email from my university saying they were removing my name from the student list.
My employer terminated my job contract. It all messed me up so much. My husband left all my luggage in the old apartment, and all my gold jewelry was left out. I was so shocked. I loved him, and he knew how much I loved him. But he told everyone that I was spreading false information about him in Europe, saying I did it to him. He claimed I was just trying to stay in Europe, but that was wrong. Why did he get married, and why did his parents support him even after knowing his behavior toward me?
After all of this, I felt they would obviously support him. I stayed calm, but my in-laws denied cooperation and started spreading false information about me to their relatives, saying their daughter-in-law wanted money and would file a case against them soon. It made me feel worse because they filed a fake complaint. I then filed an FIR and case against them. This is over now; they can’t do this to us. But internally, I never wanted this. I wanted to solve it maturely.
I want to leave this country because of constant taunts and pressure for a second marriage, even though I’m not divorced. I don’t want a divorce. Hope gives me pain, and that feeling now makes me feel worse because I couldn’t find a way to make things like he wanted. I regret there being no chance of reconciliation. My marriage is broken because I was crying so much, frequently asking him for solutions or expecting him to do basic things for the marriage.
But nobody sees that when I moved abroad, things were okay on my side. Still, he said he didn’t want me just because he felt the differences. How am I the issue? It’s been four months, and I’ve been trying to contact him. As I’m in India, it feels risky to reappeal for residence within 14 days. My parents deny me going back there because my husband lives there, and it will only cause me more pain.
Question: Should I reappeal and pay my fees for my residence permit?
Option 1: Leave it and stay in India
Option 2: Pay fees, reappeal, and move there again