I am in a government job, joined in 2023. The moment I joined, my parents started looking for a suitor. By the end of Dec 2023, my father approached me very cautiously because I have always thrown tantrums whenever anybody talked about my marriage. I have never really wanted to get married. Basically, I asked the guy to say no. And then, 5 guys later, I got engaged to this guy in Dec 2024 because I was just pissed with all this drama every other day.
Ultimately I told my parents to just tell me where to sit, I’ll get married. I don’t care anymore. Stupid, right? Well, so is the concept of marriage. The thing is,
1. Like I said before, I have never wanted to get married for as long as I can remember, even as a kid. If there’s a compulsion, I would prefer to get married to someone I love and at the time I want to. Not get hurried into it. That’s all I have thought about it.
2. I have had a boyfriend for the past 4 years. I love him a lot. But things got a bit complicated between us due to certain reasons, and we just can’t get married. One of the reasons is that it was an inter religion relationship, and I knew my parents would never agree. Even so, I wanted to try, but complications came up. We have started to part ways very few phone calls now, very platonic conversations of 5 to10 minutes max. It hurts real bad.
3. I really want to study for a better post, but post marriage obligations along with my current job will take up all my time.
Therefore, I do not want to get married, at least not now. So, it turns out, now I am always mad at my parents. I am so very angry at them that I am not able to talk to them straight, hurting them like that. The grief, panic, anxiety all of it comes in waves. I took up therapy too, but I don’t know if it’ll work. I know the decision has been made. Everything else has to be managed now.
But goodness, it sucks. I can’t tell my boyfriend I miss him… It’s a long distance relationship and he’s at his posting, and I couldn’t give him a proper goodbye. I just lost him, just like that. I know all of it is my fault. Everything is a consequence of my own actions. But the question is, how do I manage this situation, anger, and grief?