I am a 29-year-old woman, and I have a dark secret. When I was 18, I fell in love with a married man 10 years older than me. We met on Facebook, and I started chatting with him. He asked me to meet him, and I agreed. He took me to a hotel, saying we could talk privately, but I felt awkward and declined. He told the hotel staff we were friends, but they refused to give us a room.
We continued chatting, and he would often talk about biology and other subjects. I knew he was married, but I was emotionally involved with him. He told me his wife didn’t love him, and I tried to console him. I was good in studies, but my focus shifted to him. He asked me to meet him again, and I agreed. He asked me to kiss him, and I denied, but he kissed me anyway. He touched my chest, and I felt a different sensation.
I left his room, feeling guilty and ashamed. I decided not to talk to him, but he started visiting near my home just to see me. I thought he loved me so much he couldn’t live without me, so I started talking to him again, and we continued our physical relationship. He got intimate with me, but I wasn’t interested. I didn’t know much about sex, and I bled when he broke my hymen. I asked him, “My periods are not going on, then why this blood?” He touched my cheek and told me everything would be fine.
After that, we had a physical relationship for 3 years. I got attached to him, but his wife came back, and I felt guilty for being involved with a married man. I didn’t want to ruin anyone’s marriage, but I was emotionally invested in him. I cried for the first time for a guy, and my studies suffered. He told me he loved me, but he stayed with his wife and even celebrated their anniversary.
I never asked him to marry me; I just wanted to spend my life with him. I got pregnant, and he told me to take a tablet to terminate it. I was confused and took the tablet. I started fighting with him about everything, as I discovered he had affairs with other women. I saw his phone, and he was into porn. I loved him, but he didn’t have time for me. I broke up with him, but he manipulated me into getting back together.
We eventually parted ways, and I haven’t been in a relationship since we separated almost 6 years back. Now, I’m 29, and my parents are pressuring me to get married. I’m ashamed to tell them about my past, and I feel unworthy of happiness. I’ve had suicidal thoughts, and I’m struggling to find the courage to move on. Will someone marry me despite my past?
Question: Will I even be happy in my life?
Option 1: Have I ruined my life and I should die
Option 2: Can I get married and keep my past secret?