I have always faced discrimination on the basis of my gender from my parents. No, it was not due to a lack of education. My father has a PhD and my mother an MA. My brother, three years older, went to a convent school which was the best in the locality, while I was sent to a local municipal girls only school where the teachers couldn’t even pronounce basic English words properly, and all the subjects were taught in the vernacular language.
He was encouraged to participate in extracurricular activities and sports, while I was always demotivated from participating in any inter school event that included students from better schools, with remarks like, “How will you compete with them? You can’t even speak English properly.” I was criticized by my own mother for things that are a basic part of a girl’s natural biology. I was shamed for having periods, for having bigger breasts during my teenage years.
Once, when I was learning how to ride a bicycle and hit my pubic bone, she told me not to engage in such things because it would make me lose my virginity or become infertile. They were physically abusive. My mother tried to throttle me twice not with the intention to kill, but just to inflict pain, because my father was supporting his family instead of her. My brother used to hit me badly, and I could clearly see there was something very strange in his behavior.
He seemed like a psychopath. He hit and abused my cousins and uncles as well, but my parents never paid attention. He stopped talking to me when I was 16 years old. I was blamed by my mother, but I didn’t offer any explanation. They had high hopes for him, but despite all the injustice, I managed to clear the medical entrance on the first attempt and got into medical college. My father, who was once ashamed to introduce me to his circle, suddenly started to show me off.
He would give speeches, invite younger aspirants, and act like a career guide, portraying himself as a great and supportive parent. I still remember how he behaved after my NEET result when I told him I didn’t know if I would get a seat, as it depended on the merit list released later. He just wanted to update his friends and family and flaunt, pressuring me to tell him exactly what I would get.
After I shouted at him for asking silly questions repeatedly, my mother told him to slap me. I remember that night. I slept on a wet floor on the roof of my house, even after clearing one of the most difficult exams in the country. I faced a lot of problems in college because I had low self esteem. I sought professional help for the first time, and the situation worsened because I was being introduced to a lot of facts, while my family showed no support.
They even told me to keep it to myself or just stop it altogether. I attempted suicide when I was about 24 to 25 years old. I made sure I wouldn’t wake up after taking enough antidepressants, but somehow I ended up in the hospital. My relatives laughed and blamed my character, telling my father I must have been physically involved with a man, and suggested a sonography to check if I was pregnant. My parents stayed silent.
They blamed me for making them feel humiliated in front of the family. They told me not to go to therapy and that they would arrange a new psychiatrist and we would all go together but that day never came. My mother told me this was happening because I was trying to get a degree that was beyond my status, and that I wasn’t intelligent enough for it, so the frustration was making me depressed.
She also said it would be better to leave MBBS and go for a simpler course like BSc. At the same time, she would justify my brother’s failure by saying he had a high probability of getting a medical seat but still chose engineering. (His marks in CET were not even good enough to get him a decent engineering seat.) My father used to force me to meet and pay respect to people who questioned my character.
I eventually cleared my Pre PG and became a surgeon. Today, I am earning more than both my father and brother. During my tough residency days, I cried a lot on the phone at 3 AM, asking them to come and see me. They didn’t show up, and after a week, when I managed to pull myself together, they started calling and saying they were coming, to which I refused. This is a pattern I recognized very late: they were never there for me when I needed them the most, but they were willing to be with me only when it was convenient for them.
My brother got married two years ago to his online friend, who seemed like a good person. But soon, my family started having problems with her. I don’t blame her, to be honest, since I know my mother and my family. My brother was physically abusive toward her, even in front of my parents, but they took it lightly. Her family got furious after she told them, and they came, fought with my family, and took her home.
She later came back, but my brother continued to abuse her. Recently, she started having hysterical attacks, and my brother convinced everyone that she was possessed, continuing to beat her, claiming he had to beat the spirit possessing her. I tried very hard to support her and even sent them to a counsellor, but he refused to continue therapy. One night, I had to call the helpline, but my sister-in-law refused to testify, and hence no case was registered.
Now my parents want me to come and participate in a ritual because my paranoid parents and brother think that since we are so prosperous, we have developed many enemies who are doing black magic on us. My mother has always been paranoid, and my father a typical narcissist. Now both these traits have rubbed off on my brother very well. They justified my chronic anxiety, depression, and all personal struggles (which are the result of chronic and persistent emotional abuse) with this black magic theory all so they don’t have to hold themselves accountable for what they did.
I blocked them and intend never to go back to them. After years of struggle, I have managed to find peace within myself. I live alone, but I am happy because the constant anxiety is no longer ruining my mind. But every time they try to contact me, it comes back. Because I know the only reason they want me back is to avoid people knowing that they are not as good as they pretend to be. During this long journey, I have to admit that I have lost my spark, passion, and ambitions but I am still willing to live for myself.
And if I ever get married and have children, I will try my best to give them everything they deserve.
Question: Would you ever raise your voice against a situation like this?
Option 1: Yes
Option 2: I want to, but I don’t think I will
Option 3: No, no one should question their family