Manipulated, Abused, Broken – Do Good Men Even Exist

A little about me: I come from a dysfunctional and abusive family. My father was very abusive and violent. I never saw what love is or how a normal, good man behaves. I was always alone, never had any siblings, and never had any loving bond. So, I always craved emotional connection. It was a conservative, restricted family, and I was introverted, with just 1 to 2 friends.

My experience with men, one by one:

First Experience:

The first male interaction was with my science tuition teacher. He was 6 years older than me. I was in class 8 to 9, and he was in college. He acted very nice and kind. I used to be very depressed. He acted like a friend. He told me that he cared for me the most. And then we got into a relationship. We started chatting and talking on the phone. But he had very bad intentions. I realized that within a year. He only talked about dirty things and was only trying to get physical with me.

Once, when no one was home and my mom was coming back from the market, he forced himself on me, forcing me to kiss and touch him. This sexual assault still scares me after *11 years*. He always used to manipulate me, saying this is what happens when people are in love and that it strengthens the bond. He controlled my phone, account, and everything. He confessed to cheating on me too. He even tried to hit me. I broke up with him because of his sexual intentions.

Second Experience:

Then there was a classmate in class 11 who started chatting with me on Facebook. He used to flatter me with compliments and love bombing. He told me he was my best friend, and as I was always starving for connection, I thought this was perfect. But he was very jealous of me being a topper. He used to get jealous when I got better marks and insulted me. He made me do his drawing assignments and cook tiffin for him. Within five to six months, he cheated on me with another girl. When I confronted him, he insulted me, mocked my art hobbies, and my introverted nature. He mocked me even in front of his friends. I got very depressed for 2 to 3 years afterward and stopped talking about my art and craft hobbies to boys.

Third Experience:

I got admission into an engineering college. Even there, as I was introverted and had low self esteem, I never had any friends. I used to see that everyone had a boyfriend who loved them. I thought I could also have someone for me. In the first year, there was a person who again acted very nice, said all the right things. We used to chat and talk. I cared for him a lot. He stopped me from talking to anyone and restricted other boys from talking to me too.

But he never did any of the things good boyfriends do loving, caring, being kind, supportive. When I talked to him about my issues at home or health problems, he got irritated and told me I only talk about problems, and then he left me.

Fourth Experience:

After that, lockdown happened. I came back home. Again, the abuse cycle started. My father was very harsh with me and my mom. I got ill too. One boy from college messaged me about assignments and exams. He helped me with a few assignments (1 to 2 he forwarded). But for that help, he kept reminding me that I should be grateful to him. When I went back to college, he acted like he was entitled to own me just because he helped me once. When I said no, he acted like a kind friend and lied to me a lot, constantly manipulating me by saying I need him and how other boys are worse.

After 3 months, I got to know about his malicious intentions from other college mates. I caught him red handed being close with another girl. He used to force me to accept him as a boyfriend even when I didn’t want to. He used me to show off in front of his friends. He used to harass me even in college shouting at me because I didn’t click pictures with him at the fest, saying he felt insulted among friends. He used to shout at me a lot and abused me too.

Apart from that, I had a few experiences in school and college where men bullied and made fun of me.

About Me:

Now a little bit about me so you can judge me. I am a very simple woman, totally introverted. 1 to 2 friends. No clubbing, drinking, smoking, partying nothing. I don’t even wear vulgar clothes. I wear full clothes. I don’t talk about inappropriate things. I love studying, reading, art and craft, and keeping a clean, aesthetic home. I am a virgin. My philosophy is I cannot be physical before marriage. And yes, I am definitely very weak when people bully or mistreat me. I don’t do any fashion or makeup. But still, all of these things happened to me.

I don’t judge men based on looks or money. I only wanted someone to be kind to me and be my companion. And just for information, all these men were less attractive, academically weaker, and from poorer financial backgrounds compared to me. The only thing I wanted was kindness, but they were all liars and actors who only wanted control and used me for their selfish needs.

My Problem:

The first problem is that now I have no hope. I did so much and got nothing. I used to make greeting cards, cook food for them, support them in their difficult times. I never shouted at them, never cheated, never talked to other boys was totally loyal and caring. I can literally count so many things I did for them. I used to gift them things with my own money, do their assignments, and listen to them. But I got nothing in return only loneliness.

These men were so inconsiderate they used to take gifts from me but never gave anything back. They never appreciated my art and craft hobbies either. Never even wished me on birthdays or New Year. So now I think all my efforts were useless. Why should a girl put in effort for any man?

My Father:

Same with my mom. She loved my father so much, carried his children, worked like a servant for him and his family, loved him till old age, did everything alone for the family, but still my father only abused her verbally and physically. My father left his job when I was 10. Sat at home 24/7. Only abused and controlled us. Never helped mom with any housework. Doesn’t even take a glass of water by himself. Never even closes the door himself. But demands mom to do seva and cook elaborate meals for him.

Totally patriarchal king of the house while doing nothing like a man. The second problem is that after the last college incident, it’s been 3 to 4 years. I haven’t talked to anyone. Men do approach me at my job. They ask me out for coffee and dinners all the time. But I always reject them. They message me on WhatsApp and Instagram too, but I reject them there as well. Because I am very scared. I don’t even talk because I feel they’re lying and just acting.

When I see happy couples, I feel shocked that such love can happen. With my experience, I can’t even imagine being near men. But this way I will be alone forever. Each time, after every incident, it takes me 1 to 2 years to recover. I also hear news about abuse and violence by men towards their wives and girlfriends all the time. Some friends also tell me about abusive, cheating boys. All of this scares me a lot. I don’t know how to trust men. Even the men with bad intentions can act very well and lie. So how can you actually judge them? Seems like they have rote learned all the right dialogues to tell girls.

Do good men really exist? Men with positive intentions towards women who don’t want to control, abuse, and mistreat women, and who actually want to live together as companions? Why didn’t they choose me? Are all men only using women? How do I see good, loving couples? How do people get those?

Question: Why can’t I get a good life partner?

Option 1: My personality has issues

Option 2: God didn’t write good luck in my life. Unlucky

Option 3: Only abusive boys like me

Option 4: Good men don’t exist. Very rare