HI I’m 26 years female, doctor by profession.
I was physically abused many times when I was 7-8 yrs old by my father and I came to know he used to do it with my older sister too, I didn’t used to understand what was happening with me but used to hate myself for not being brave enough.
When I was 11, I was s*xually harassed by my cousin but no action was taken by my family members.
After that I hated physical contact with any opposite gender, When I was around 20 I met a guy in my university and I loved him a lot and he was the first guy I felt comfortable with. I was not ready for any sexual relationship with him or anyone.
After a year I gave myself a chance and initiated sexual relationship with him and we were together for 3 more yrs, but things didn’t work due to family issues and he got married in 2022. He still used to call me and he told me to get sexually involved with some other guy to move on.
I thought it wasn’t a bad idea and I did, after having sex my ex called me and I shared every detail about the intercourse, But I felt bad for my ex’s wife as well as what I was doing.
Casual sex wasn’t what I was interested in. I needed someone to be emotionally available too, But after that I’ve avoided every guy who’s interested in me bcoz I hate myself for what I did.I used to enjoy my active sxx life alot as well as touching myself but since 8 months I haven’t even touched myself as I feel guilty for no reason.
My parents are looking for arranged marriage setup but I know if I open up about my history many guys will not continue the marriage proposal and if I dont tell them I’ll be starting a relationship on basis of lies and due to that I’ve rejected many marriage proposal.
What should I do????