I’m at the age where I want to settle down. I’ve been with my girlfriend (27F) for over a year, and we’ve been official for more than six months. In the beginning, things were magical; we were both happy, going on road trips, spending a lot of time together, and sharing many experiences. However, things started to go downhill when she, being in her first serious relationship, did things that hurt me deeply, like grinding on another guy at a club right in front of my friends.
That was a huge blow, and I believe it triggered some old traumas in me. I started becoming critical of her actions and words. We had a few serious talks, some of which helped, and she appreciated my honesty. But it reached a point where she felt like she couldn’t be herself anymore and was constantly worried about doing the wrong thing. I felt deeply sorry and tried to fix things, but our relationship became toxic. We started defending ourselves without truly listening to each other.
I The anxiety and stress pushed us apart, and I began to doubt our relationship. She became unsure if our personalities matched, and she clearly isn’t as committed as I am. She didn’t like me being too emotional, even though I’ve spent years in therapy overcoming hardships and learning to value and express myself. Meanwhile, she’s emotionally immature and a people pleaser, constantly getting taken advantage of at work and in her friendships.
She has issues with self love and doesn’t know what she truly wants, often fixating on things she can’t even define. I gave her space to figure things out while still spending time together. Then, she received a call that her father had passed away, and she immediately flew back home. This incident changed her; she became distant and focused on her family, which is understandable given the circumstances. But during her time of grief, I couldn’t connect with her.
My words failed to comfort her because she only found solace in her family. Now, I’m barely a priority in her life. I might get a text once or twice a day, but with little to no effort from her. I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster, fighting my anxiety and depression, doing my best not to bring up my concerns about our relationship during this time. But I slipped up and mentioned it after she said she was over her father’s death. I deserve better, and I had to speak up for myself.
It’s been over two months since she left, and she’s “over” her father’s passing to the point where she’s working remotely, but the time zone difference is messing with her health. She’s working 9 PM to 5 AM because she needs to match her colleagues’ hours in her management role. When she left, she never planned when to come back, as she wants to stay and help her family, leading to the cancellation of our trip with friends and my birthday.
She chose to stay longer to celebrate her mother’s birthday, completely ignoring the fact that she’d miss mine. This only deepened my pain, making it clear that I’m not important or even a priority to her anymore. I love her dearly, but I’m starting to doubt our future and have been emotionally preparing for the worst. I want her to be happy, and if she’s not happy with me, I’m worried our relationship isn’t salvageable. She’s focused on spending time with her mother and sister, and I’m just a “duty” at this point.
I feel like I should do the right thing and let her go so she can find her own happiness in life, not just in relationships. However, love is a commitment to be there for each other through the ups and downs. I’ve expressed my commitment that I’ll always be there for her. Should I stay and continue this emotional rollercoaster of a relationship, or am I being selfish for wanting my love to be reciprocated to some degree? I’m at the stage where I want to find a partner to settle down with. Even if I break up, I doubt I’ll be emotionally ready for anything for quite some time.