I am from a dysfunctional family where I have only one parent alive, and they too are lost in their sorrows. Everyone else who exists does so only in theory, as nobody ever checks up on me to see how I am doing. I even spend all my festivals alone in a room. This has been my situation for the past five years, ever since I lost one parent.
A few years back, after being completely disheartened by my situation, I decided to find a partner for myself, as nobody else was bothered, and it literally felt like I was all alone in this world. I came across a girl at a seminar I attended through my job. A little background about me: I am highly educated and have a good career to support myself. I have always been very good academically. That’s how I am still able to survive; otherwise, I would have been on the streets.
This girl, too, had a good education and a good job, and we hit it off. After a few weeks of friendship, we started dating. She had an over controlling father who was physically abusive to her mother, and that trauma was stuck inside her. She had been in mute mode all her life, just watching her father thrash her mother. But she never uttered a word. Her story made me closer to her, and I told her I would marry her. She was good with me, although she was coming from a breakup of a 5 years relationship.
On the other hand, I had intentionally never had any prior relationships, as all my college life I was too focused on my career and had spent all my time building a stable one. After 4 to 5 months, when she told her family about our marriage plans, her father went mad over our relationship, and there were huge fights at home. He started doing crazy things like running away from home or emotionally blackmailing her to end the relationship.
When she refused to end it, her mother involved her parents to get the marriage done in court. As her entire family knew about our relationship, they were concerned about their respect. Her father forcibly agreed when everybody started pressuring him, and the marriage was done in court. A small function was held afterward, as I wanted a small function for my mental ease, nobody in my entire family had ever married in court.
Her father had a huge problem with this, as he didn’t want anything to do with us, but when her family intervened, citing that it was good for their respect too, he reluctantly agreed. So 8 to10 people from my side and 40 to 50 from hers attended, and they married us with Hindu customs. During the entire function, this man mentally tortured me and my family at every step.
Не didn’t let us do any *rasams* and just said, “This marriage is already done in court, so you can’t do these things now.” He didn’t even let us bring a proper *baraat*. We literally just arrived in 2 cars at the banquet without any band. Anyhow, the marriage was done, and I was traumatized for life seeing someone torture me at my own wedding, which we paid for, not him.
Even though I agree my family is dysfunctional, where everybody is hugely selfish and they don’t even care if I live or die, nobody has ever tortured me, and I have never seen any abuse in my family of any kind. At step one, before meeting this girl, my aim was to find peace in life by being with someone, but after going through this mental torture for almost a year just to marry her, I became twice as stressed and traumatized. But now I was married to her, and things were going normal for a few months.
But her father was not done. He made everyone in her family stop talking to her by threatening to leave his wife alone if they did. Every time she visited her home, he emotionally blackmailed her to come back. Another thing is that this man had no income source, and my wife was his only source of income. But since she was married, instead of giving him her full salary, she used to give a fixed amount to keep her parents’ home running. This made him furious, too, as the man who once had control over everything now had control over nothing.
But my wife was way outside her comfort zone, as all her life she had been a puppet to her father, but for the first time, she was rebelling against him and doing what she thought was right. But all of this was on thin ice. It was not her comfort zone or habitual behavior. She started falling into deep depression, regretting her decision when all her family stopped talking to her.
And honestly, I already had nobody, so it was basically just the two of us. Although there was love and no bad behavior between us, she started becoming emotionally overwhelmed. During that time, my other parent became seriously ill and was hospitalized, causing my stress level to skyrocket. I was in deep emotional pain, as again I had nobody and she was nowhere to support me.
She was battling her own demons, and all this started causing clashes between us. All I ever wanted was an emotionally supportive partner, but instead of healing from my loneliness (which was my reason for seeking love), her problems made it worse. These verbal clashes led her to go back to her home without even telling me, and her father was waiting like a vulture. He acted like the world’s best dad and, in just a week, convinced her to file for divorce.
She fell for the trap and ran back to her comfort zone of being her father’s puppet. She refused to come back to me. Her father abused me when I tried getting her back, and in the end, after losing all hope, I had to accept that the marriage was over. She once tried to come back after a few months when her senses returned momentarily, but this time, within a few hours of her absence, her father started thrashing her mother and called her to listen to the cries.
She ran back home and never returned again. Mind you, this is a highly educated girl who earns well, yet she is still a mute puppet in the end. She told me, “I have ruined your life, so end this finally and get a mutual divorce and move on.” How can I ever move on from this trauma? Long story short, we got divorced, and the marriage I fought so much for lasted only 5 months. I have nobody. She has her abusive family.
Most of my days are spent in severe sadness, wondering why I chose her. The regret of choosing her consumes me, because easily someone better could have come into my life, and things would have been peaceful. Why did I ever love her? Emotional connection to someone is more dangerous than drugs. Now, a few months after the divorce, she approached me again, wanting to come back, saying she is in deep depression.
But she has a long list of demands revolving around me bowing to her father. Should I bow and accept her back and lose my self respect because I am unable to live alone with all this pain even though she is the one causing it? It’s very complicated to explain. Being alone is somehow more painful than being with the one who is continuously causing the pain. Or should I let my self respect stand and be alone for the rest of my life?
Coming from a dysfunctional family and now divorced, I really don’t think I’m going to find anyone ever again. I really don’t want to bow down to the most evil man I have ever come across in my life. With every breath I take, I curse him in my mind whenever he pops into my head. The hatred is that intense now for her father. She never once took a stand for me against him. I repeatedly cried in front of her, showing how this man was destroying everything, but she didn’t listen to a word.
This pain is killing me, and every day I have suicidal thoughts. Every day I ask myself, how did I ever deserve this, having worked so hard and achieved top education in the country, yet still unable to process my emotions? I stayed loyal, I worked hard, I made efforts, I loved her, I am a God fearing, kind person. Then why me? What did I do to deserve so much pain? Tell me my mistakes or what I should do now.
Should I call her back and live in hatred for life, just to not be alone? Or should I remain alone, knowing I don’t have anybody in this world, and I don’t know how much longer I can survive?
Question: Should I get her back?
Option 1: Yes
Option 2: No