I met her in early 2024. After some texting, we started hanging out regularl long walks, holding hands, dinners, sharing secrets, concerts, and plenty of flirting. We even made out once. She made me feel good, listened to me, and seemed so caring and smart. It was my first experience with someone like her. I loved seeing her smile, and all day, I’d think about things to say and do to make her happy. It’s hard to describe, but I felt truly fulfilled making her smile.
Only about a month later, she said she wanted to discuss what we were. I confessed my feelings for her, only for her then she dropped a bombshell-her ex wanted to marry her, and she wanted that too. I was heartbroken and shattered. It hadn’t been long, but I was so deeply in love. I couldn’t think of anything but her. I couldn’t just give up on her; I was so attached that I didn’t have it in me to lose her like that. So, I begged. I begged a lot, thinking everything we shared meant something to her too. But she seemed resolute in her decision to cut me off, and that felt like the easiest choice she ever made.
It’s been a few months now, and there’s been mostly no contact. Friends suggested I try dating and hitting the gym. I got a few matches, but after some texting, I just didn’t feel like pursuing anything more. I started going to the gym, and while it felt good working out, I still couldn’t move on. Now, I still cry-alone and often-feeling lonely, rejected, used, hopeless, and longing for that feeling of connection.
I get this sinking feeling (it’s hard to describe) whenever I think about how firm she was in deciding to dump me. It’s like all that we had together meant nothing to her, especially when she said she still loved her ex. Then why did she string me along? It makes me question my worth, wondering if I’m so unattractive and unlikeable. Nights are the hardest. Sometimes, when I’m feeling low, I imagine her caressing my hair and kissing me like she once did, which only intensifies the pain.
I hesitate to share how I feel with friends because I’ve already done that so many times before. I don’t want to burden them or come across as weak. Some people only listen when it’s entertaining for them. She’s not coming back, and it’s so hard to accept that I meant so little to her when she was my entire world. I know I have to accept it; I have no choice. But deep down, I feel lost, empty, weak, sensitive, and hopeless. I’m overwhelmed with emotions-so many at once.
I felt so good, confident, and carefree before all this. Now, it’s the complete opposite. I distance myself or avoid any possibility of getting hurt, even from the smallest things, like someone not initiating a text or responding late. Before, I couldn’t care less about that, at least in most cases. I feel like I’ll never find someone like her again. I never had the attractive traits; I’m just so average-maybe even worse.
I still think about her day and night, and it hurts inside, knowing she couldn’t care less now. But strangely, I prefer feeling this pain to feeling nothing at all, even when it hurts so badly that it feels like my brain is being squeezed. Ironically, whenever I get a notification or a call, my heart skips a beat, hoping it’s from her-even when I know it’s anyone but her.