At the age of 28, I fell deeply in love for the first time, without receiving any commitment (my mistake). I believed that he had been mistreated by others and that my love could fix him (another foolish thought, commonly held by many women). But no one’s love can fix someone who doesn’t want to be fixed.
Anyway, back to the story: for years, he acted as if he were afraid of love, which is why, after receiving everything from me, he is still afraid and unable to love me. He looked into my eyes and lied countless times, cried while hugging me, and we used to be like a couple who were innocent like kids, mature like adults while supporting each other, studying together, going out, having fun, bickering like siblings, and so much more. It seemed almost perfect, even with the flaws, only to find out that he had been in a relationship with another woman for the last 3.5 years, and I hadn’t noticed for 2 years.
I wonder when people say no one is that naive. Do you realize there are people who are really good at deception? Anyway, their family, friends, relatives, everyone knew about them. He wasn’t just fooling me but cheating on her too. When I confronted him, I learned that he was deeply in love with her, but she had lied about one of her casual hookups from the past. When he found out, she kept lying, so one day, he beat her and held a knife to her throat. Later, things returned to normal as he took care of her, but when she left the city for a few months to go to her hometown in Kolkata, he wanted to make her feel the pain he was going through. That’s when he found me.
Initially, he thought he would be done with me quickly, but I turned out to be a nice person, someone he felt safe with, accepted by, etc. He said, “Why couldn’t I even find out about her for so long? Because she wasn’t even there; she would barely call me for 10 minutes a day.” He said I was giving him everything he wanted from her. I was exactly the girl he always wanted as a life partner. He said, “What could I tell you? That I want to be with a girl who doesn’t care about me at all, instead of a girl like you who does everything for me-waking me up, cooking for me, praying for me, supporting me?” He had no reason to be with her, so he couldn’t tell me.
It clearly shows how selfish he was-he didn’t let me go because he was getting everything from me, but he still went back to fix things with his girlfriend because he wanted her. But he couldn’t be loyal to either of us and expected loyalty in return. I mean, I was really nice to that girl all the time and tried to mend things between them, but the more I heard their perspectives about each other, the more I could see they were just trauma-bonded, and maybe I was too.
As for the girl, I could see she doesn’t even love him. She’s only there because she knows he’s crazy about her. He’s a pilot, so she can travel to different places (because after the confrontation, she went on an office trip and unblocked him after boarding the plane, which reminded her of him, and to me, she used to say, “When I see a plane, I think of him.” I mean, is that the only thing that reminds you of him?). Plus, she’s getting older, making it harder to find that kind of love in someone else.
I also asked him, “What do you love about her? How do you feel when you’re with her?” All he could say was, “I used to say anything, and we would laugh, and it felt good.” I told him, “You’re like that with all your friends too. What’s different when you’re with her?” He said, “At this point, I don’t even know if that was love, but I can say I really loved her, and I didn’t want to share her with anyone else. I wanted her to love me and be mine,” though I didn’t tell him that she was already into someone else because I wanted him to experience what he did to me.
He could have let me go, so at least I could have saved myself and preserved the love in me for someone else in the future. But his selfish needs kept me from moving on because he knew that if I ever found out about the other woman in his life, he would never be able to reach out to me again.
I would advise people never to waste a minute if your gut tells you something is wrong. You’ll only regret it; it will only get worse. People will choose what they like, even if it’s bad for them, over everything they’ve ever dreamed of (I’m not referring to his girl). I’m giving you a reality check that I needed. He made me realize that even if I could take a bullet for him and that girl doesn’t care whether he has eaten for days or not, he would still choose her over me. It’s not the fault of the girl or mine. It’s him. So move on; it will be difficult, but it’s the best decision you’ll ever make.
The girl kept telling me how painful it was for her (obviously it would be for anyone in a relationship). She said she cries every day, and if she ever sees him, she will cry. She used to question him and fight, unblocking and blocking him for days. She even told him that he would never be able to touch her, which was all expected from a girlfriend’s perspective. But after almost a month and a half, she went to his place, they slept together, and she was all happy. Later, she left, saying she was there to meet him for the last time. They were still in touch, but I had to step out of it because my health, both mental and physical, reached a point where I almost died. My family has made sure that I don’t speak to him, even though I still worry about him. I still care for him; after all, I looked after everything for 2 years. I kept him above everyone and everything, so that doesn’t go away quickly. I think of him every day, but I hope that if the girl is back with him, I will be at peace knowing he got what he wanted.
I want to hear from men about his part: would you still call this love? And women, do you think that after being in the girl’s place, she could sleep with him again knowing he cheated, without questioning him or being sad the day she met him and left, saying she came for the last time? Can you call this love? Or does it seem more like an act of revenge?