I am 36 year married male. I am married, and it has been 5 years of my marriage. Over these 5 years, we have socially achieved so many things respect from each other’s people, her side, my side we helped each other grow in our careers, bought a new house; everything was fine because we had a great bond. We dated for 3 years before marriage with lots of ups and downs, including breakups, but we got married. I was a virgin before I met her.
But I have a high sex drive, and that is a problem. The initial 1.5 years were good to average, but with time, physical intimacy reduced exponentially. I am supportive, caring, understanding, and emotionally attached to her. Along with that, I am very fit and maintain my fitness and diet something I love to do. I am disciplined. After one and a half years, my spouse started denying sex quite often for various reasons.
Initially, being supportive, I understood and backed off. As time passed, it continued from initially once or twice a week to once a month or two, and later, once a quarter. Now, it happens once every 4 to 6 months. I put so much effort into attracting her, but she is very reluctant and always kills the moment by saying something off or denying it. Even if it happens, she wants me to get it done as soon as possible.
While I last for a long time, she is done in 2 to 4 minutes max, after which it starts to hurt her. She has even shown it on her face, forcefully pushed me away, and closed her legs. I have a problem, and that is my mindset. It kills my desire if the other person is not interested. I don’t feel like doing it. But I do get random urges, and when denied consistently, I lost interest in asking again and again. I never wanted to pay for sex, so I never went out, even though I earn enough.
For me, it was supposed to be romance, not just sex. My kink was knowing the other person wanted me too physically. I guess men need very little to be happy, and a connection through physical intimacy is one of them, in my opinion. But constant denial made me wonder what is wrong with me? Am I not desirable, even though I have a good physique?
The other part of my life: I work in IT, so after the lockdown, when I resumed the office, I grew close to one of my colleagues. She was someone I had wanted to date when I was on a break with my girlfriend back then. We shared a friendship, but we stopped as it was wrong to take it further. One day, we hugged and kissed, but she was also dating someone else. Later, knowing I was going to be alone, I still pursued my girlfriend and asked her to marry me. She agreed.
Some months later, the other girl got close again. But as soon as she found out I was getting married, she backed out, pushing me away again. For the next few months, we saw each other in the office but avoided each other. Later, due to COVID, everything stopped. But suddenly, meeting her after COVID, we grew even closer. Although married, I liked spending time with her because I had once liked her, and so did she.
But she always pushed me away when she saw me getting emotionally involved, as she felt it too. However, we somehow ended up in the same team and on the same project. My mind could never stop thinking about her, even when we were not in contact. In 2023, when we were in the office, we started going out with the team and for events. Loving memories were created, the instant connection and chemistry beyond everything each time we pulled apart, we fell back closer. That magnetic pull got more intense day by day.
I got desperate for her presence and time. My obsession for her was crossing every line. I kept asking her out, but she kept denying it. But one day, she agreed to a movie with me. We went for an afternoon show, held hands while watching, looked into each other’s eyes, and melted in passion and desire. We kissed for around half an hour. That was the best makeout of my life. It ignited my passion and desire for her.
I asked her out again, but then she started pulling away. I couldn’t understand why. She kept ignoring me. That hurt was visible in my eyes during our office encounters. One day, she melted and confessed her feelings for me. We started dating, and I shared everything about my marriage with her. She consoled me. We went on a date and got physical that day. For me, it was the best sex of my life. I had never known it could be so fulfilling.
The level of intimacy I lacked in my life, I got from her. She took the lead many times, which turned me on every time. I wanted her more and more. Now I am addicted to her, and she got addicted to me too because I was strong, long lasting, and into dirty talk when it came to pleasure. I felt lighter, happier, and fulfilled each time we were together. I was lost in her emotionally, physically, and socially.
One day, my wife found out. That night changed everything. I was not good at lying, so I told her everything honestly nothing was kept hidden. Later, I told my girlfriend that my wife knew. She walked away from me that day. I had emotional ups and downs with both of them after that. We broke up many times but still got drawn to each other again. She eventually got married and tried to stay away from me, but she never left my heart.
Now, she is not happy in her marriage. She didn’t want to get married but tried to move on. She is still keeping her distance from me and told me she wants to continue with her life as it is. Even though I told her I wanted to divorce my wife and marry her, she still left.
My problem now: I have no desire for anyone else but her. I am emotionally more invested in her than in my wife. But socially, my so called perfect life isn’t making me happy anymore. It’s been a year, and after 7 years of knowing her, I am still trying to move on, but everything feels like it happened yesterday. I have left socializing, listening to music, traveling, and even gaming, which I did most of my life. Everything reminds me of her.
I feel empty and lonely. Her memories haunt me every moment. She’s always on my mind. I dream about her frequently, even after a year. I still care about my wife, but knowing I am not fully committed to her, I kept everything clear and asked her for a mutual separation. She said, “Take time; feelings will fade.” She doesn’t want to let me go. It bothers her, but she is practical and wants me in her life anyway because she loves me.
I feel bad for having love, passion, and desire for someone else while not giving my wife what she deserves. Each day, the distance between us grows. I don’t feel physical attraction anymore, and now I am living in a sexless marriage because I don’t want to initiate anything either. Although she has been judged by my family for not having a kid, we both were clear that we would wait until we had a house.
Now, we tried for a baby, but we had a miscarriage. I still supported her and wanted to be there. I wasn’t sure about having a kid until last December, but now, with my family pressuring her, I feel stuck. She thinks I have moved on, but sometimes, when it’s too much, I share it with her bluntly. She can see it on my face.
Now, many questions come to my mind:
• Do I need to get out of my marriage?
• Did my girlfriend even love me, or was I temporary?
• Am I wrong for loving someone this deeply, or should I have kept it temporary?
• Am I an emotional fool?
• Will living my whole life killing my desires and happiness work?
I am thinking of living alone without both of them. I don’t know what is right, but living with the truth seems right even though it affects many lives around me. What do you suggest I do? I even feel like paying for sex someday to erase all my memories of her and move on, but something always stops me. I feel stuck in life. Sometimes, it feels like dying, but I think that’s for losers, and I don’t want to be one. Help me out, please.
Where should I take my life forward?
1. Leave my wife and be alone for the rest of my life.
2. Kill those memories anyhow and move forward.
3. Keep believing in love, finding its way back.
4. Live with the pain for the rest of my life.