I feel uneasy writing this because it makes everything feel so much more real, but here goes…
I (35F) have been married to my husband (38M) for 12 years, and we’ve been together for 14. We have two amazing children (8F and 5M) and have built a fulfilling life together. I have no complaints about him. He is devoted, honest, and hardworking. He does everything for us and adores both me and our kids. I’ve never had to question his loyalty; he’s never been abusive or neglectful. He does his share of the housework (and often more, if I’m honest). While he’s not perfect, he is an exceptional husband, father, and friend.
Despite this, I haven’t felt attracted to him for years and often wonder if I’m truly “in love.” I cherish who he is he is my best friend. Yet, I frequently find myself daydreaming about being alone. I don’t think about dating or being with other men; I’d be okay with being single. I’ve considered divorce many times over the past four years but have always dismissed these thoughts for the sake of our family. Lately, these thoughts have become more persistent, and I’m struggling to manage them.
We go on dates regularly and seek out activities we both enjoy. I’ve been making an effort to be more intimate with him, hoping it would help, but I’m not finding it fulfilling. This has nothing to do with his appearance-he’s very attractive and well-groomed. I simply am not interested.
I’ve started individual therapy to process these feelings and address past personal issues. I’ve also arranged for marriage counseling, though I’m unsure how effective it will be since we don’t have major issues to resolve. Our relationship is strong, we rarely argue, and we work well together to manage our home and family.
This situation would be easier if he weren’t so wonderful. I feel guilty about considering leaving such a great man. The thought of hurting him and our children is heartbreaking. Although I haven’t decided to divorce, the idea has crossed my mind several times. My dissatisfaction is the only reason I’m considering this, and I believe he would do everything possible to make me happy, though I’m not sure there’s anything he could do to change things.
I’m bracing myself for potential criticism. I’m interested in hearing from anyone who has faced a similar situation and how you navigated it. I’m conflicted between continuing to sacrifice my own happiness for the sake of my husband, best friend, and children or taking a risk to find myself.
guess ur a selfish person who thinks about ur own happiness while he is a perfect guy. the fault is in u who wants to leave such a good person. u don’t have any issue but still wanna get divorced or wanna stay single🤦🏻.
guess ull be the only person who has an issue with a perfect guy.
better change urself for ur husband and children.he is absolutely fine.
Your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to feel conflicted. Many people struggle with similar emotions in long-term relationships, especially when there’s no obvious “problem” to point to. What’s most important is that you continue to approach this situation with honesty, self-compassion, and care for your family.
Long-term relationships often evolve over time, and the intense romantic passion of early love can shift into a deeper, more companionate love. This doesn’t mean the relationship is broken—it’s a natural progression for many couples.
However, it’s also valid to feel a sense of loss or longing for something more from your husband.
It’s worth exploring whether your feelings are rooted in a lack of attraction to your husband specifically or a broader sense of restlessness or dissatisfaction with your life as a whole. Sometimes, these feelings can be a reflection of personal growth or unmet needs that aren’t necessarily tied to your partner.
Also, You mentioned that you don’t necessarily want to date or be with other men—you just feel drawn to the idea of being alone. What does being alone represent to you? Freedom? Self-discovery? A chance to redefine your identity outside of your roles as a wife and mother?
I also suggest, may be you are physically not feeling satisfied or might be attracted to someome but you are not ready to accept that because of his love.
Perfect reply 🫡
First of all, I want to acknowledge how difficult and emotionally complex this situation must be for you. You’re in a place where, despite having a good, loving partner and a fulfilling life, you’re grappling with feelings of dissatisfaction and a desire for something more, yet you’re concerned about the impact on your family. The internal conflict you’re experiencing is completely understandable. Many people in relationships—whether they’re struggling or seemingly picture-perfect—go through moments of uncertainty about their feelings.
Here are some considerations that may help you work through this:
1. Assessing the Source of Your Feelings: It’s important to explore whether your lack of attraction is a reflection of something deeper within you—such as unaddressed personal needs, emotional or physical changes, or even burnout from the demands of family life—or if it’s truly about your husband. It’s great that you’ve already started individual therapy, which is a positive step. You might want to delve into whether your feelings are related to phases in your life or whether there’s an underlying emotional or psychological aspect that you haven’t fully explored yet. A lot of people go through periods where they question their feelings not because of their partner’s shortcomings, but because of their own life stage, experiences, or unmet desires that might have been overlooked.
2. The Role of Intimacy: You mentioned that you’re trying to engage more intimately with him, but it’s not fulfilling. Intimacy is not just physical—emotional and psychological intimacy are equally, if not more, important in long-term relationships. Have you been able to communicate how you feel about your emotional connection with him? Sometimes, couples stop fostering emotional closeness, and it can be as if the romantic connection starts to fade. Therapy, whether individual or marriage counseling, might uncover whether there are aspects of emotional closeness that are missing for you.
3. Exploring Your Own Happiness and Identity: The desire to be alone and “find yourself” suggests there might be a longing for personal space or a reconnection with aspects of who you are outside of being a wife and mother. It’s not uncommon for people, particularly after many years of focusing on family life, to feel like they’ve lost parts of their individual identity. It might help to ask yourself if your current feelings are more about finding balance in your life and identity rather than about leaving your marriage. For some, it’s less about leaving a partner and more about rediscovering themselves.
4. Communication and Joint Reflection: Though it’s difficult, having a conversation with your husband about how you’re feeling could be an important step, particularly if your marriage feels like a healthy partnership in many other ways. It might not have to be about declaring that you want to leave, but more about expressing your internal struggles and the emotional journey you’ve been on. He likely values your relationship, and open communication could help him understand your perspective while also working together to find solutions—whether that’s through more intimacy, taking time for personal growth, or other ways to reconnect.
5. The Guilt You’re Feeling: The guilt you feel is a natural part of this equation. You have a deep love for him as a person and a father, and you’re concerned about the consequences of your feelings on the family. It’s essential to recognize that your happiness matters too. If you are not fulfilled or feel like something is missing, that can eventually affect the overall health of the family dynamic. While it’s important to consider the impact on your children and your husband, your emotional and mental well-being should be part of the equation too.
6. The Possibility of Change: Even though your husband is great, that doesn’t mean things can’t change or that you can’t both grow in different directions. It’s possible for couples to navigate periods where one person feels disconnected or unsure. Marriage counseling can be a useful tool for better understanding each other’s needs, perspectives, and emotional shifts. There is a chance that you both can grow through this, even if the growth is in new directions or is more about rediscovering each other rather than splitting up.
Ultimately, you’ll have to decide what path feels right for you, and there isn’t a simple answer. Be gentle with yourself as you process these feelings. Take time, continue therapy, and try to keep the lines of communication open. Life can evolve, and so can relationships. You’re not alone in feeling conflicted, and seeking support from professionals or others who have gone through something similar can be helpful.
It’s clear that you’re dealing with a lot of conflicting emotions, and it’s understandable to feel torn between your own happiness and the well-being of your family. Here’s a summary conclusion for your story:
You find yourself in a dilemma where, despite having an exceptional husband and a strong, fulfilling relationship, you’re struggling with feelings of dissatisfaction and a lack of attraction. These feelings have persisted for years, leading you to consider the possibility of divorce. You appreciate your husband as a friend and partner but question whether you are truly “in love.” While you’ve been proactive in seeking individual therapy and arranging for marriage counseling, you’re unsure if these efforts will address the core of your emotional struggle.
The heart of your conflict lies in balancing your own happiness with the stability and happiness of your family. You feel guilty about potentially hurting your devoted husband and your children, and the thought of leaving such a wonderful man is heartbreaking. You’re seeking advice and insights from others who have faced similar situations to help you navigate this challenging period and ultimately decide whether to sacrifice your own happiness for the sake of your family or take a risk to find yourself.
I can sense your vulnerability and the weight of your decision. It’s important to continue exploring your feelings in therapy and open up to your husband about your emotions when you’re ready. Having honest and compassionate conversations can help both of you understand each other’s perspectives and work towards a solution that honors both your needs and the well-being of your family. Remember, you are not alone, and seeking support is a step towards finding clarity and peace.