Confession of Doctor Couple about their Personal Issues

I am a 32-year-old doctor, married for 3.5 years. My husband is also a doctor. Our marriage has lacked physical intimacy from the beginning. My husband has a habit of chewing tobacco, which I found out about after marriage (it was a love-cum-arranged marriage). He would not maintain his personal hygiene, which used to piss me off and was a big turn-off for me. We never fought over it, but I did keep telling him that these habits turn me off.

Overall, we have had sex only 10-12 times in the last 3.5 years. Because of his habits, I did not feel like kissing him or making love to him, which drew me away from him. Even if he initiated, I would turn him down. Financial pressure got him low on his testosterone levels, and he had ED (erectile dysfunction) meanwhile. I motivated him to work out, take meds, and see doctors, but he did not take any effort for that.

Last year, I found out he was having paid sex. I saw his messages and emails of bookings. I wasn’t shocked; I was surprised. I didn’t feel anything-I was numb. I told him what if I did the same thing to him, to which he was not okay with. I used to feel so much sexual urge, but I kept suppressing it for the longest time. Later, I did have sex with men outside of my marriage, and I started feeling guilty about it.

He knew I was drifting apart. He wants to have a kid with me for the last 2-3 years through IVF, as we are not physical with each other. He feels that will improve our bond, which I am not okay with. I think I was already in a marriage that lacked physical and emotional intimacy, but I still continued to be with him as he has been a provider, and I respect and care for him. We also share the same workplace. But with everything that has happened in our marriage, bringing a child into this feels like a nightmare because sooner or later, I think it won’t work out. I would seek things that are missing in my marriage somewhere else, and I cannot spend my life like this.

He would take care of everything in my life financially and has been giving me a lot of freedom and support, but it still lacks something. I feel guilty for not wanting to have a kid with him and also for being physically involved elsewhere. This guilt is killing me from the inside. Meanwhile, I met a man, divorced and older than me, who makes me feel like my emotional and physical needs are being met. He is moving to Europe in a couple of months, and we have been talking to each other quite a lot. He wants me to be with him and marry him.

My husband is keen to have a kid, or else it won’t work out between us. I told my husband that I don’t want to be in this marriage, after which he has been doing everything right to save this relationship-physically too, he is becoming active-but I don’t feel anything now. I am mentally not doing well; I am in turmoil, and my entire life feels ruined. I am not able to make a decision, keeping in mind the comfort of my marriage, but at the same time, it feels like I am killing myself inside. Please help.

Everything feels heavy right now, and some things cannot be undone now from both sides. I am also so scared to divorce or separate, which is why I continued this marriage for so long. The soft corner for my husband isn’t letting me take a decision, and I am so scared of divorce-like, what will I do without him, as my life has revolved around him? But he has been after having a baby so badly now, and every day he asks me when we will do IVF.

We have stopped having normal talks too because we literally have nothing to talk about except this. Physically, I am feeling weak, like I’m stuck. I have been constantly ill, thinking about all of this. I feel like I can’t get out of this situation, and my mind and heart are battling.

Question: Should I stay in the marriage or get a divorce?

Option 1: Save the marriage

Option 2: Get a divorce