I got married at the age of 24 to a 34-year-old. I’m the only girl child and lost my father at the age of 3, raised by mom in a highly spiritual Sanatana setup.
Since day one, my husband seemed very passionate about his family-their contributions, struggles, and roles in his life. He finances his entire extended family. He holds a strong affection for his Bhabhi, who is a government teacher.
Whenever we argue, my husband runs to his Bhabhi. He asks me to buy everything in twos-one for his Bhabhi. He frequently goes back and forth to her school or mayka without my knowledge, driving my car (which was part of the dowry since he is “sarkari”). In our WhatsApp family group, my husband reacts to every photo posted by his Bhabhi-so does she-etc. etc., like an oh-so-good bhabhi devar bonding.
I burn inside because I want my husband to make me his priority-to ask me, take care of me, and support my mom. But I stayed silent, thinking that eventually, we would develop our own bond and have our moments. But it’s been three years (I’m 27 now). One day, I insisted that my mangalsutra was small and asked if I could be gifted a bigger one. His immediate reply was, “Bhabhi ko bura lagega.”
I erupted like a volcano and expressed everything I had inside. I cried, I shouted-why is Bhabhi in everything?! My fingers were shaking… But instead of responding, he simply ended the conversation, saying he wouldn’t tolerate a loud voice. Later, he said, “Did I ever say to you that the car you gave (as dowry) was small?” Since I live with my mother, my in-laws act cowardly. My husband lies to my face about his spending on his Bhabhi whether they attended a function together or whether he took the car to drop her off.
I calmly talked to him multiple times about how this doesn’t feel right. But he lies as if I’m mentally ill for thinking this way. Fights have become routine, with only occasional conversations in between.
I feel like there’s a wall in front of me. I’m helpless, losing my mental peace. What needs to be done? His Bhabhi’s husband, who is unemployed, seems to be okay with this. My in-laws say I have “itniii gandi soch.” Is this my fate? I have other problems and responsibilities at home. ~ Anonymous
Question: Does every Bhabhi devar relationship hold this kind of attachment/affection in traditional Indian families?
Option 1: Yes (Adjust to it, you are not new.)
Option 2: No
making a bhabhi priority more than the wife isn’t normal anywhere. ofcourse respect towards her is ok. but hurting wife for the sake of her happiness isn’t right. u better sort things out or else ull suffer more in the future. all the savings and money wud be spent on her while ull be left with sorrow.
gandi soch tumhari and what if u behave the same with some other man . will they be all right with it?